It takes smarts to win a battle, but a mastermind to win a war. Since humans first learned to kill on a grand scale we have this thing where we choose a handful of brainy people to lead the brawny and formulate a pro strategy. Generals, they call them. The civil war in particular was it's own brand of hellishness partially because not all leaders operated to the best of their ability and that made the war last longer than it should've. Here is a list of some of the ones you should remember in no particular order. Not McClellan.
1. Robert E. Lee
Not to be confused with Bobby Lee from Mad TV, Robert E. Lee should've known better than to ally himself with the Confederacy. But Virginia is for lovers, and he loved his home state enough to fight for the right to own slaves and then make quotes about how he would free every slave to avoid this war. The Confederate General-In-Chief is remembered for his risky invasion of my home state of Maryland, playing the overly-cautious Union General George B. McClellan like a slow fiddle. Lee is also remembered for losing. Lee makes it into my list because he had a gray horse named Traveler.
2. David Farragut
David Farragut was a Union Admiral who wasn't afraid to get his hands wet. Little David captured his first vessel during the War of 1812 when he was a salty pup of 12 years. I joke around a lot, but that wild bit of information is actually true. Farragut is best remembered for kicking ass on the Mississippi river. Don't get it twisted though, he wasn't invincible. He won some and lost some. As Farragut's fame grew, so did his looks, becoming easily the most handsome general to fight in the war.
3. Braxton Bragg
Braxton Bragg looked as funny as his name sounded. A lot of people didn't like him because he was a Confederate General, but even his own soldiers had beef. He tended to argue with his colleagues and probably put his fingers in his ears when they talked to him as he shouted "La la la la, I'm not listening!" Probably. The facts have been dissolved by the passage of time. Legend has it that the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield drew great inspiration from Bragg, as both men always desired respect but rarely received it. Bragg died with few friends and fewer victories.
4. William Tecumseh Sherman
Sherman had a bizarre affinity for total destruction. Although he was a Union General, he loved the South. He loved it so much that when he visited Atlanta, Georgia, he burned a significant portion of the city to the ground. Well, his men did, and supposedly Sherman didn't actually order it to be burned, but he didn't do anything to stop it. "Sure, man," he probably responded if his troops asked could they pretty please with a cherry on top ruin an already battered Confederate city before they left. He knew that war was bad, and made little effort to show mercy until the very end of the war. Despite being named "Tecumseh," he showed a common hostility toward Native Americans. I'm starting to wonder why I included this terrifying man on this list.
5. George Gordon Meade
My high school is named after Union General George Gordon Meade because it's on Fort Meade, which is named after him. Meade High, where the only windows are on the fourth floor. Meade High, where Haddaway went to school. On the battlefield though, Meade apparently resembled a snapping turtle. I would've liked my high school mascot to be a turtle rather than a mustang. Meade is remembered for commanding the Army of The Potomac at the Battle of Gettysburg, where he sort of let Lee's army retreat instead of pursuing. I'm not shocked. What would you expect from someone who looked like a turtle? I'm proud to say that whenever I hear "What Is Love" by Haddaway, I instantly think of the American Civil War.
6. Thomas J. Jackson
Please, call him "Stonewall." Everyone else does. The Confederate Major General earned his moniker during the First Battle of Bull Run, when Confederate General Barnard E. Bee Jr. equated Jackson's defense against a tide of Northerners to a stone wall. But don't get it twisted (I say that frequently now), Jackson didn't just sit around and wait to be an immovable force. He covered a ridiculous of ground and his troops got very used to marching. When Jackson was messing around in the Shenandoah Valley, his troops marched around 650 miles (around 1,046 km, if you're into that) in just seven sweaty weeks. "Stonewall" Jackson wasn't invincible, though. He was wounded when his own troops accidentally mistook him for a Union city slicker one night. He was shot several times and lost his left arm. About a week after the amputation, he died of pneumonia. No funny business.
7. Ulysses S. Grant
Although I get excited when I see the rugged face of Union General-In-Chief Ulysses S. Grant, the Confederates didn't enjoy the sight of the bearded warrior because he wasn't on a $50 bill. Grant was originally born Hiram Ulysses Grant, but some jokester at West Point incorrectly recorded his name as Ulysses Simpson Grant, which I guess he liked because he stuck with it. Grant got his start in the War With Mexico, although he didn't really approve of the whole thing. "No mas," he probably said in a terrible accent. He is remembered for his generosity when negotiating the Confederate surrender at Appomattox Court House in 1865. He let the defeated Confederates go home to their families, where they would never hear the end of it. Grant ended up becoming the 18th President of the United States, but his term was riddled with scandal and corruption, although it's believed it wasn't even his fault, Mom! I swear!.
8. Tony Stark
Tony Stark (aka Robert Downey Jr.) was a leader in another American Civil War that you probably know more about. Less beards, more pectorals. Faced against Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) Stark showed great resolve in trying to keep the peace, but Rogers had to be stopped depending on your opinion of what transpired. I included superheroes in my list so people would read this, but you probably stopped reading long ago.
These are just a few names from that grizzly conflict. I don't feel personally attached to any of them, but I think learning about the Civil War is neat when there's nothing on TV. In case you don't know, just because someone fought for the Union doesn't mean they were vehemently against slavery. Like Sherman. He fought for the Union because he didn't like the idea of the South breaking up with him, so he beat it up. If you want to learn more about the American Civil War, go to a museum or rent a Ken Burns documentary.
