Recently I signed up at a fight sports gym near me in an attempt to tone up and learn a new set of skills. My first kickboxing class had my head reeling just about as much as it had my muscles screaming. The list that follows is an insight to what I was actually thinking during my first hour and a half of learning how to kick butt.
1. Alright, here we go. Time to beat up some angry faced dummies.
2. There are other girls here!
3. Let’s stick together, girls.
4. (Pictures Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" music video.)
5. Everyone is stretching. I should stretch.
6. What muscles should I stretch?
7. I don’t know what I’m doing.
8. All of them. I’ll just stretch all the limbs.
9. What is that smell?
10. Did I put on deodorant?
11. I guess it doesn’t really matter here.
12. Wait, I didn’t bring gloves.
13. I don’t have gloves.
14. I should get a pair.
15. Oh, good, they have extras.
16. I’m going to take advantage of the free gloves.
17. OK, looks like we’re starting.
18. He said grab a partner? I don't know anyone!
19. This guy looks nice and experienced, I’m just going to copy what he does.
20. Wait, this is his first time too?
21. Alright, just pretend like you know what you’re doing.
22. (Channels inner Ronda Rousey.)
23. OK, this is easy enough to follow.
24. Punch, kick, elbow, punch, punch, kick.
25. This is great! Channel all the aggression.
26. Did he say we’re doing this drill for three minutes?
27. But I’m already tired.
28. How out of shape am I?
29. Am I going to make it another hour and 25 minutes?
30. I must not show weakness.
31. Oh, only four more stations of this? Easy.
32. (Turns and wipes a tear.)
33. Alright, I made it through all five stations.
34. Good work guy’s! See you next time!
35. Oh, right. There’s still an hour left of class.
36. I feel a strange combination of strength and nausea.
37. Am I going to puke?
38. I can’t let these strangers see me puke.
39. OK, get some water, you’ll be fine.
40. Wait, he wants me to throw this medicine ball against the wall?
41. And catch it above my head?
42. I’m not coordinated enough for this.
43. If I put myself into a coma, then tell my mother I love her.
44. Alright, find a rhythm. You can do this.
45. Smash this medicine ball on the floor?
46. Oh, that was nice.
47. I feel the power.
48. Basic girl smash!
49. OK, time to get in the ring.
50. Do I bow? I’ve seen people bow.
51. I don’t know what’s customary.
52. Just get in and pretend like you know what you’re doing.
53. Wait.
54. He wants me to just punch these dudes right in the stomach?
55. And they want me to do this?
56. But I just met these guys, I don’t even know their names!
57. I once made a best friend in elementary school after biting her at a birthday party. This feels a lot like that time.
58. Who is this benefiting?
59. I mean, I’m not objecting.
60. I’ve never actually punched a person as hard as I could.
61. Let's do it!
62. Oh my god.
63. This is so therapeutic.
64. Ew! This guy just breathed through his mouth-guard and spit all over me!
65. Where is the hand sanitizer?
66. Well, I suppose I can’t complain since I’m the one punching him.
67. Wait I made it?
68. Class is over?
69. I feel equal parts drenched, exhausted and accomplished.
70. I could get used to this…
