7 Ways To Die at Bonnaroo
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7 Ways To Die at Bonnaroo

More than roughing it.

7 Ways To Die at Bonnaroo
Katie Posto

Although my experiences at Bonnaroo have all been the best of my short lifetime, there were a hefty amount of sketchy events when I wondered if I would make it back to Louisville alive.

1. Kendrick Lamar’s set

As a huge fan of Alabama Shakes and Kendrick Lamar, I planned on camping out in the front row all day in order to be in front for both sets. After Dawes’s final song, my friend and I sat on our Mexican blanket and befriended a small group of teenagers from Idaho, who, incidentally, were very well-read in terms of classic literature. But as the hour before Brittany Howard would knock the wind out of the crowd’s lungs crept closer, the crowd thickened and pushed us forward towards the guard rails. After I nearly lost my voice screaming expletives when Howard belted out the lyrics to “Always Alright”, the set ended on the best note possible. Soon after, we could barely take a full breath due to the pulsing crowd; the rail began to dig into our ribs. Kendrick Lamar’s bars were the (sorry) most lit sounds I have ever heard. 10/10: worth almost being cut in half by metal rails and sweaty fans. Can you sprain your whole body? If you can, you can thank the kind New Jersey gentlemen behind me for my injuries.

2. Total Dehydration

The June heat in Tennessee is a hard no, even coming from someone who spends a large amount of time outside. Bonnaroo is kind enough to help us ‘rooers out with free water for Camelbaks or bottles! Sadly, when 80,000 people are filling up each hour, their water supply can get a little…nasty. Although semi-safe to drink, the water becomes one with the sulfur in the ground, making everyone and everything smell like eggs. I guess that’s better than death.

3. Expensive food

I spent all my money on my ticket, but still want gyros and Amish donuts, come on!

4. Port-a-Potty’s

The fact that my friend told me to go in the mornings because it’s less horrific was my number one cue that I could die simply from exposure to certain fumes trapped in a hot Bonnaroo port-a-potty. I do recommend holding it for a week, if possible.

5. The size of the Farm.

Trying to find your way back to your tent at 4:00 AM after waiting for your friend at a rave (only to get distracted by a dude from Detroit wearing a rice hat) is not the optimal way to live life. Needless to say, I have his number now, in case I want to hit up the Movement Festival. I walked the mile back to my tent with complete strangers, only to find my friend sound asleep.

6. High-Five Friday

At Bonnaroo, people line up outside of the Bonnaroo arch in squiggly lines in order to high five everyone in line, and I’m quite sure that was the best environment for any number of viruses or bacteria to grow on your body. It was worth it.

7. Exposure.

As someone who glows in pictures when flash is needed, the sun gives me some issues. Besides having to test the lightest foundation in stores to see if I’ll look like an Orange County mom, I have to wear sunscreen even if I’ll only be outside for an hour. As I waited for Twenty One Pilots to play “Stressed Out”, I began to stress over my burning flesh. I just applied more 100 SPF sunscreen, how is this possible? I’m pretty sure I caught on fire at one point. Still worth the summer of my Chaco tan lines being quite visible cloaked by my golf sock tan lines.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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