Now that the United States has followed Britain into this weird, nihilistic satire of what we used to love so dearly, the nightmare is just beginning. So, here's seven things you can do to alleviate the pain of existing in this nightmare world that we ourselves created.
1. Liquidize your assets.
I honest-to-God have no idea what the hell this means, but it sounds smart and everybody who tells me to do is a balding, middle-aged white guy in a power suit, so clearly it's the right idea.
2. Sell all your grandmother’s heirlooms.
There's nothing left worth fighting for, including sentimentality and moral integrity, So, f**k it. Just gather up everything your grandmother once cherished and auction them off to the highest bidder. Nothing matters, and that includes emotional attachment to anything. You're already the family disappointment anyway. Time to prove 'em right.
3. Burn all your old "Now That's What I Call Music" CDs as a sacrifice to the Ancient Ones.
They saw you bought them. They judged you. But now it's time to beg for forgiveness, for we have angered them.
4. Drink, drink, drink.
You're going to die, your loved ones will die and your liver will die, too. Go ahead and ruin everything you once held sacred. God has left this place for good.
5. Date indiscriminately.
Why not, right? Dating is hard enough as it is without the looming threat of a ruined world hanging over your shoulder. It's your last chance for a relationship, or for any semblance of the happiness that you once felt but have long since forgotten.
6. Post angry status updates on social media.
Duh.
7. Just fling yourself into the f**king sun.
We will all perish with nothing to show for the astronomically insignificant existence we once claimed mattered.
