Ah football. The most wonderful sport of all. You've got the touchdowns. You've got the field goals. First downs, football field, jerseys, pads. The works. As your resident Sports Medicine major who only recently learned that field goals weren't only allowed to happen after touchdowns, I obviously have not spent much time actually watching the sport. Instead, I have found some extremely successful ways to act like an expert without actually having to watch. Whether you are going to impress some guy that isn't yours, your boyfriend told you you were going to watch it or else, or you are happily alone and you're just going for "friendships", you really just don't want to actually watch the game.
Here's a step-by-step guide of how to get through the Superbowl without literally dying:
Step 1: Prepare your outfit.
Killer is key. Look hot and no one questions your motives for showing up.
When in doubt, two words: football jersey. If you wear something sporty and actually pretend to have a team you're cheering for, everyone just goes with it. If you feel good, everyone knows you feel good and that's honestly all that matters.
Step 2: Prepare your knowledge.
Know at least two team members, their numbers, and their positions from your selected team. Bonus points if you know the quarterback of the opposing team.
Here is the most important thing of all: YOU MUST ACTUALLY KNOW THE NAMES OF BOTH OF THE TEAMS PLAYING.
Step 3: Download (real) entertainment
Need to catch up on the news? Now would be the time. A little behind on your current Netflix binge? Go ahead and treat yo self to a few game side episodes.
Step 4: Find the food
Tonight is the night that literally every person in the world is watching the same thing and eating the same high calorie foods, and you should be too. A great way to not watch the game while wholeheartedly pretending that you love the Superbowl is by staking out at the food area. There is only good things over there. The screaming and yelling is much more muted from so far away from the table. So just eat. All of the food.
Step 5: Commercials are the bomb
If you have to sit down and actually watch pretend to watch the game, there is a redeeming factor... the commercial breaks. 40ish minutes of really great commercial breaks with hilarious commercials. In all honesty, the commercials are the important part and the football is the breaks in which you get food.
Step 6: Halftime shmalftime.
Ah halftime. The real deal. The real reason people watch the game. This is the moment you've really been waiting for. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Look for the hidden left shark because if he doesn't make an appearance, it may not be worth it. Jk, it's Beyonce. It's always worth it. I'm drunk in love with the Queen.
Step 7: Suck it up.
In the end, you're probably going to have to suck it up and watch some of it. If you have a team you're going for, you might actually enjoy it. Appease the people you are with. Ugh. Sacrifices for the greater good.
