I did it! I managed to land myself a full-time job after gradation in the field that I studied in! All it took was approximately 500 individual applications, a few hundred cover letters, 20 or so different versions of my resume, and the crippling feeling for two months that you wasted thousands of dollars to get a degree that will get you nowhere.
But fear not! I am here to tell you the seven foolproof steps that will land you the job of your dreams in no time!
1. Write the word "job" on a chalkboard every hour, on the hour.
You know how some people believe in "The Secret?" Well, that isn't what this is. Employers are looking for someone with dedication and will be disappointed if you skip this crucial step in your path to employment.
2. Take Sallie Mae out for a drink sometime.
I mean, it won't pay off any of your loans, but showing Sallie Mae a good time out on the town and the post-grad faeries may find favor with you. Her favorite is three shots of whiskey: neat.
3. Strap on that job helmet!
4. Watch the 2009 movie "Postgrad" twice a day, minimum.
First of all, who wouldn't want to watch this classic multiple times a day, every day? Watch Alexis Bledel struggle with lack of sleep, forgetting how to interview, and stressing out about her future with the happy ending of her being happy! Man, don't you love realistic fantasy movies?
5. Get an interview!
The most important part of the getting a job process! Be sure to make prolonged eye contact, uninterrupted by blinking, to show that you're really excited to be here and you really, really, really want this job.
6. Lose that job in the final round of interviews!
You did it! You finished all the interviews a company can do for you and you get the fateful phone call: did you get it or not? Of course you didn't! They actually cut the position entirely and outsourced your job to a YouTube video of someone unicycling and playing the accordian at the same time. You can't even be upset; that person is really talented.
7. Somehow, manage to land a job?
Be it luck or LinkedIn connections or even divine intervention, you did it! Now try to make it for a little while in this job without dying!
In reality, I love my job and I am incredibly lucky to have found something that I love to do in a place full of people who respect me. I wish all the same for you!
