Tension is almost unavoidable in any close friendship or relationship. Sustaining interpersonal connections is almost exclusively dependent on the ability to communicate in healthy ways. So, how then do we resolve conflicts that come up in any deeper connection to someone? Here are some tools!
- Be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling. Any confrontational encounter will probably leave you feeling some sort of unpleasant emotion. Take some time to become fully aware of what it is that you’re feeling and then fully embrace it. Arguing your feelings away or setting up walls to hide what you are feeling will delay this entire process, so just look those emotions straight in the eye and let yourself feel them!
- Initiate space to release any anger. One of the most common emotions resulting from conflicts with people is anger. It is very important to express this anger in order to move forward, but it is even MORE important to express it without hurting anyone in the process. One healthy way to express anger is by working out. Go to the gym, blast some really loud music and run it all off! This is not the only way to build off anger. You could also go on a big anger rant on a piece of paper. Just get out all those ugly things you want to say to that person. You can even write in a letter format. But don’t give the letter to anyone! This is for you only.
- Heal and forgive yourself. Once you’ve expressed your anger, you’ll probably hurt in some way. Usually anger is a secondary emotion. It is a defense against pain and most of the time, when you’re angry, you’re hiding a great deal of pain underneath. Now it’s time to feel the pain! Once you’ve felt it, it’s time to forgive. Forgiving doesn’t mean saying that what happened is ok; it just means accepting that it happened and that it could not have been any different.
- Think about how you may have not been hearing the other person. Once you’ve healed within yourself, think about how you may have not been hearing the other person. Usually, conflicts happen when somebody doesn’t feel heard. In most conversations, all we really want is for the other person to fully hear and respect what we’re saying and feeling. How may you have been shutting the other person down? Were you really listening to what they were saying with an open mind?
- Apologize to the person. Only after you’ve completed the first four steps do you finally talk to the other person! Most of the process of settling conflicts starts with working on yourself. Once you’ve done so, go to the other person and start with expressing that you may not have been as sensitive as you should’ve been towards their signals. Ask them to forgive you and take responsibility for not making them feel heard.
- Ask them to hear you. Now, finally, you share with them how you are feeling. Why did you lash out? What was underneath the anger? What needs to happen for you to feel more heard next time? Ask for what you need!
- Ask them how you can hear THEM better in the future. Now think about how you can do better next time. Ask them: “What makes you feel heard? What can I do to hear and value your point of view more?”
Resolving conflicts has nothing to do with fixing the other person. It is almost exclusively focused on fixing yourself, because in the end, the only thing we really have control over is ourselves.
