Nietzsche once said, "Out of chaos comes order," and that actually has nothing to do with social media. But you're not reading Odyssey for Nietzsche quotes. No sir, you're here for some life pro tips about everyone's favorite data mining web services, and what you can do in order to enhance your posting / liking / tweeting / snapping / whatever-kids-are-doing experiences! These are problems that most everyone will come across once or twice, so make sure you tell everyone you know about how your good friend Nathan gave you "the hook-up" (make sure you do the air quotes too).
1. Dealing with pesky Facebook messages
Have you ever just been casually stalking someone on Facebook when bam! All of a sudden that guy from freshman year wants to know how classes are this semester and when you usually eat lunch. You need some time to let him down easy, but you know if you click that message he'll get the "Seen" notification. What's a girl to do?
Next time you're in that situation, here's your plan of attack. Start by messaging every female friend he has to warn them of his misogynistic tendencies, and that they should tell others. Then, place an anonymous call to 911 about a bomb threat at a local school / daycare, and drop his name as one of suspicion. Finally, completely block him on Facebook so he has no chance to contact you. Problem solved!
2. "Follow for Follow?"
There you are, tweeting about what you just had for lunch, and all of sudden you get that DM asking you to "follow for a follow." Boy do these guys get on my nerves! Rather than simply ignore those people, here's what you do instead.Create an army of fake Twitter accounts to follow the perpetrator, and slowly boost their numbers until they're the number one followed account in the world. Watch them flaunt their Internet fame from the shadows, until one day you get all the fake accounts to start spreading terrible rumors about them. You never unfollow the person, you just keep going and going so all of a sudden it's a topic on the local news about how bad his feet smell. That'll teach them!
3. You can't see "Best Friends" on Snapchat
Here's one that people have been angry about for a while now. Your boo is addicted to snapping, but it's cool cause you're their number one best friend on it. Only now, Snapchat really shafted you and got rid of the feature, and now you lie awake at night wondering where you are in relation to "FrankieFraternity69," and if he's getting those tasty snaps right now. Use this one tip to worry no more!
Simply never leave your significant other's side. Ever. Not when they're going to the bathroom, not when they have class. You're on them like white on rice. Sure, they might be a little weirded out at first, but you're their "Best Friend" right? Don't they want to spend time with their "Best Friend?" Or is there something they're not telling you? Well? Answer me.
4. People keep wanting to "connect" with you on LinkedIn
If you're anything like me, you can't stand when LinkedIn sends you all those emails about people wanting to "connect" with you. I mean c'mon, it's 90 percent students who are in the same boat as you and probably wouldn't give you "the hook-up" anyway, and 10 percent adults from your school who can't stop talking about LinkedIn anyway. If only there was someway to get around this. Luckily for you, I have a secret tip that you're about to hear!
Just get rid of LinkedIn. You know you only have it because someone told you to make one. Don't keep doing this to yourself. That's your tip.
5. Everyone's Insta-famous but you
It seems like everyone you're following on Instagram is raking in those hearts and getting all the love, while your selfie is sitting there forever unappreciated. Are those other girls prettier than you? No way! You deserve attention too! Here's your quick fix to become the Instagram celebrity you've always dreamt about.
Go have hundreds of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery done so you can look like all the people who get more hearts than you. Begin to learn about their life, their tendencies. Eventually, call them out for being an imposter, and that you're the real ________. Since you only hired the best surgeons money can buy, people will eventually believe you instead of the others, and begin to call them "fake," or whatever else girls think is offensive. Soon, you'll be the only one left, and people will have to like you!
Or you could just delete Instagram you narcissist.
6. People on Reddit keep downvoting your OC
Ah, the freshest memes sit neatly in folders on your desktop, and late one night you put the finishing touches on your "Damn Daniel" trap remix and upload it to Reddit. The next morning, you wake up to discover that it's sitting at a paltry four upvotes, and has been fated to obscurity by the masses. You worked so hard on that! You deserve validation! Next time you know you've made something good, follow these steps.
Work your way up the political ranks of your home state until you can run for Congress. Beat out the incumbent by a landslide using false promises, and then rebirth all the CISPA and SOPA legislation you can get your hands on. With your unmatched charisma, you get both passed without any opposition, and now you're the head of the national "Internet Regulation" committee. First order of business? Ban anything that isn't your own creation. Congratulations, you just became an Internet star!
7. You really want Google+ to be a thing
Listen, you and I both know that Google+ is going to take off any day now, but your stupid friends won't listen. I mean c'mon. Hangouts? Stream? Circles? All things that sound like crazy talk to the uneducated consumer, but not to you and me friend. How can we get all of our buddies to hop on the G+ train? Here's how!
You make a new Google+ account from scratch. At first you realize that maybe it isn't the web service for you; it's a little rough around the edges, kind of dirty, and just not really good. But you keep at it, and eventually it proves its worth to you little by little, while you grow attached to it all the while. Eventually you grow to love what you've created, and it's a regular part of your life. But one day, your Google+ account protects you from a rabid wolf attack, and realizing that it might turn on you, you have no choice but to put it down. Thankfully, someone else gives you a new Google+ account, and the recovery process begins.
Now you know how to survive in the cyber landscape!
