As a 19-year-old, small, blonde girl, I always read articles about being “the mom friend,” or I would hear people saying, “Yeah, she's totally the mom of the group,” and I always thought it would be pretty cool to be that kind of person. After all, the mom friend has a definitive role in the group, and everyone needs her around to keep their lives together. However, I never really identified with being “Mom” entirely. Sometimes, I can be really on top of things, prepared with hand sanitizer and band-aids when we all go out, and I’m good in a crisis, but I also break every single set of Christmas lights that I touch, and I’ve locked myself out of the apartment 12 times in the two months I’ve been at school. Then, last year, I realized that I am not the mom friend, and I can never be the mom friend, because I am something much more unique. I am… THE DAD FRIEND. If you have always felt like trying to be the mom of your squad is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, pay attention to the following signs, because you also may be filling the very important role of “dad friend.”
#1. You are the master of awful puns, or the “Dad Joke.”
I direct you to the time I got a gigantic stuffed bear, and immediately said, “Look, guys, it’s my new ‘bae-r.’” See also: I was in the musical Fiddler on the Roof, and when confronted about my awful puns regarding the titles of all the songs in the musical, I responded, “What? It’s not my fault I Chava good sense of humor.”
#2. You try to fix everything in the house, with varying results.
I totally fixed that toilet, okay? I will not relinquish the fact that I single-handedly repaired that porcelain throne with grace and aplomb. Without my plumbing skills, there would have been a lot more floods ravaging Apartment 101. However, I do realize that I do make mistakes, like the time I tried to build a shelf and accidentally assembled it inside-out.
#3. You know everything about the TV and the computer.
I may not have any professional training in computer repair, but I am the one my roommates and immediate family come to when there is a minor problem with their cellular devices or laptops. And, when I finally relent and take my own stubborn laptop to the IT guys on campus, I take pride in the fact that I’ve usually covered all the basics of the problem so it actually DOES take an expert to fix the issue. I’m also constantly being called out of my room to take the subtitles off Netflix, again, and am a magician when it comes to WiFi problems.
#4. You kick butt in Mario Kart.
I may not be an expert at first-person shooter games on those newfangled Xbox’s or PS4’s, but give me a Nintendo 64 console and an old-school Mario Kart tournament, and I will destroy you.
#5. When boys come over, they have to impress you before going out with your roommates.
I always tease my roommates that if any guy that comes over can make me like them, he’s worth their time. With five roommates last year, I found myself in the position a lot last year where I had to speak to whatever nervous suitor who came to our apartment, and it was very obvious if I didn’t like him. Good luck impressing me, boys. You may think that after you’ve already won over the lovely roommate in question, the hard part is over, but, oh no, that is not the case. I have years of anxiety up my sleeve, a scathing wit, and the ability to rip you apart if I don’t like you. And get my roommate home by midnight.
#6. I will do anything for the people I love.
I might not be able to give you advice as to how to win a guy over (hello crippling anxiety, nice to see you again), but I can support you when you’re about to go on that first date. If someone makes you cry, I will end them. And when you need someone to make you smile, I will be there with my awful jokes and stellar dance moves to make you laugh again.