**Too good not to post, this "article" was written by Olivia Teteris for our creative writing class. Keep in mind it's a parody; she is, in fact, in a sorority, and it's all in good fun. Happy holidays!
Christmas is right around the corner, but for all of you sorority ladies, this might mean hella coal in place of Santa’s usual gifts. You can’t help that you’re all bad b*tches—trust me, I get it—but don’t take it personally when you find black rocks instead of a new iPhone 6s. Here are some major reasons why you landed a spot straight on the Naughty List.
1. You took too many falls on the Brick dance floor.
Over the course of this past semester, chances are your heels stretched to ridiculous lengths and you underestimated the power of tequila, while overestimating your own stability. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, since you probably don’t know one person who hasn’t taken a nasty tumble into a sea of Brick juice at least once in their lives. But you know who hasn’t done that? Santa. Santa has never sloppily wiped out while sweaty humans grind on each other to Fetty Wap’s latest hit. This move definitely sets you on the Naughty List.
2. You blacked out and ate all of Santa’s cookies.
One word: Drunchies. Possibly more powerful than the OG munchies, “drunchies” describes the forceful and overwhelming desire to eat absolutely anything you can get your filthy paws after a night of boozing. Popular choices in fulfilling drunchies include Will’s, Bruno's, and Insomnia Cookies. It’s always a shame when you wake up with cookie crumbs scattered across your body and in your bed, staining skin and sheets with chocolate. You wonder to yourself, “How did I get here?” as you try to dust the evidence off of your stomach. Santa knows you’ve been trying to diet for Christmas vacation, and wonders why you’d jeopardize all your hours at the rec for a quick and dirty rendezvous with Insomnia. He’s disappointed and just annoyed that you didn’t think to save any for him. Being deprived of your favorite food sucks, so don’t be surprised when you find black dirt under the tree with your name on it.
3. You drunk-cry. A lot. In public.
Everyone says that Santa sees everything, and at one point we realized how creepy that thought actually is. Nonetheless, it’s a given that he’s witnessed you posted up in the New Bar bathroom sobbing your glazed-over eyes out. If you’re a girl and you drink alcohol (aka a female Miami student), crying is something that just happens. Whether it’s because of just how much you love your friends, or how mad you still are at your ninth grade boyfriend, you’d be lying if you said there wasn’t a time when you cried while intoxicated. I’d say you better watch out, you better not cry -- but the deed has most likely already been done. Coal for you.
4. You skipped class(es) due to an unforgiving hangover.
We can all agree that there’s no inappropriate time or day of the week to head uptown. It always seems like a great idea, strapping on those Jeffery Campbells and dusting bronzer all over your body only to go sweat it off at the bars. Monday through Sunday, it’s always possible to find reasons why it’s a smart move to go out—until the next morning, when you’re writhing in pain and wondering who decided vodka should ever be a thing. When your alarm goes off, you might even attempt to sit up, but when you do, it feels like little elves are in your head stomping and pounding at the walls of your skull. So instead of getting up, you grab the nearest fluid, pray that it’s water, and chug it while lying down trying not to spill it all over your face. If your parents knew, they’d be shocked (and frankly disappointed you can’t handle your liquor yet), but Santa knows, because he sees everything, remember? For this, you most definitely get a sack of coal, and probably a D.
5. You’ve been ho-ho-hoing around.
This is basically self-explanatory. As the weather gets colder, hearts start getting warmer as people look for someone to snuggle with by a fire (while eating fondue). This is human nature—don’t feel bad! Holiday season equals cuffing season, but Santa has known you since you were a baby, so he doesn’t necessarily sympathize with these situations. While you’re out looking for bae (or multiple baes), Santa’s in his workshop filling you up a sack of coal. Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
6. You spent all your money at bars instead saving for Christmas gifts.
This is perhaps the most disappointing reason you will probably get coal this year. I understand that it’s nearly impossible to avoid, because once you’re out, you’re feeling a different kind of generous. Thinking too far in advance about Christmas presents is not something you’re capable of in this scenario; however, you do want to buy “shots for everyone!” So you wave your credit card in the air while gathering people around you as you thoughtfully pay for everyone’s drinks. As far as people at the bar are concerned, you’re basically Santa himself, showering them in Ciroc and Patrón. You have summoned the holiday “spirit” in a rather untraditional way, giving away gifts and making booze angels with your friends. But the next day when you check your bank account, you are alarmed at the damage. Santa knows you’re just trying to be a fun and flirty friend, but that doesn’t make up for the gift you can’t afford for Auntie Sue this year. So this results in coal—all up in your stocking.
7. You don’t wear enough clothing during the winter.
I’m not exactly sure what it is that makes college girls believe they’re equivalent to polar bears. Before entering college, the thought of going out in 10-degree weather with only a miniskirt and crop top on would make me want to throw up. But now, it’s expected. I’m not condoning this behavior, but rather accepting the fact it’s quite prevalent among our school. Santa, on the other hand, shakes his head at this and wonders why we can’t all embrace the holiday spirit and rock an ugly Christmas sweater. I don’t know, Santa, it’s beyond me. But I’m sure that means we’re all getting coal this year and I truly don’t blame you.
There you have it. Seven reasons why all of you "srat" stars should anticipate bags of heavy, black coal on Christmas morning. Don’t be hard on yourself—it happens to the best of us. Embrace your inner Vixen (not like the reindeer, though) and accept your spot on the Naughty List, keeping in mind that I will be right there with you. All the same, Merry Christmas, and to all a good night (uptown).
