Being single in the 21st century sucks. Not because I want to be in a relationship, but because of the ways I am treated. Society has this warped view on what it's like to be single and I have had enough of this view. This view is harmful, old-fashioned, and inaccurate. Here are seven things all forever single people have heard, and one response we wish we heard.
1. Responses of Pity, Shock, and Deign
I have been single for my whole life. No relationship, no first kiss, and you can imagine how virginal I am. But this does not mean that I am "naive" or "innocent." When I tell people that I have not gotten my first kiss, I get one of two responses: "Awww" or "Why not?" These two phrases have become so ingrained in my memory that I don't even realize how offensive it can be.
A twenty-year-old girl never having been kissed should not be worthy of pity or of shock. Feeling pity for someone like me can feel normal, but to me it feels awful. It makes me feel that I am not normal. Feigning shock at this statement is even worse. It makes me think "What is wrong with me then?" There are twelve-year-olds out there in a relationship, and I am a mature college student who remains as single as the day she was born. When I tell people I have never been kissed, some say "That's cute." Cute? It's not "cute." I have not found someone who wanted to kiss me and who I wanted to kiss as well. It's rare for someone to have a crush on me and tell me about it. This is not "cute," but it's not "sad" either. It's just a thing.
2. "You must think I'm such a slut!"
My relationship status is just a thing. It does not define me and it certainly does not define how I think of you.
I have friends who have told me about their sex lives, and more often than not they say "Oh you must think I'm a slut!" No. I do not think you're a slut. My lack of a sex life does not mean I am going to judge you on the prevalence of your's. Your sex life is your sex life, and I will not slut-shame you. Never having sex does not warp my view of you. If you want to have one-night stands, fine! If you don't want to have sex, that's cool! I honestly don't care. If you think I am going to judge you, then you don't know me.
3. "Oh I have a friend who would be PERFECT for you!"
Having no relationship status leads to a lot of "setting up." No, I do not need you to set me up with your friend. That's just a recipe for drama. "Why don't you try online dating?" Online dating works for some people, but not for me. There can be some grotesque messages out there, some I have even gotten. Thank you for your concern, but I'm okay, really.
4. I am not a child
My forever single status can lead to people thinking I'm naive, leading to being treated as a child. I get the impression that I cannot take care of myself and that I need my hand held. I am entitled to be independent and to also be dependent on my family. Just because I'm not dating, does not mean that I am in need of someone to check up on me 24/7 and to constantly check where I am.
5. "Why don't you just take what you can get?"
I will not lower my standards to meet yours. If I can see it's not going to work out with someone, I should have the freedom to recognize that and to move on. I am in no way obligated to settle, especially because I am only 20 years old.
6. Liberation or Depression: There Is No In Between
Being single has a lot of strings attached. People expect me to be constantly sad about it. Yeah, sometimes I see couples holding hands or being super cute on Instagram, wishing that that will happen one day. People expect me to feel liberated 24/7. And some days, I do feel that way. But overall, being single is just a thing. It's just a way of life that I have grown used to, and I am entitled to feel however I want about it. If I want to be a mess, watching Nicholas Sparks movies and cry about it, I can. If I want to just spend time with my girls and be free, I can too. But mostly, I will just be indifferent about it, why can't you?
7. "Why don't you kiss someone and get it over with?"
On so many accounts I have heard this response. I have waited so long to have my first kiss and I know that at some party I could just get that over with and even go further. But why? Just so you can be comfortable? If my lack of relationship status makes you uncomfortable, that's not on me.
What we wish we heard:
"Oh. That's cool," or any response of indifference.
It's like a baby getting hurt: if you make a big deal about it, the baby will too. If you don't, the baby will get up and keep playing. Again, this is not an analogy to make myself seem like the baby (see number 4). This is me saying that your opinions, pity, and discomfort I have heard before. It's okay that I'm single. It's okay that I have never kissed anyone. Let's get past this point and move on. My relationship status is just a "thing." It does not define me or the way I think about you.
