There comes a time in every dark wizard’s life where they must consider succession, retirement, or artificially extending their lifetime through the creation of horcruxes. The decision of what to use as a container for one’s semi-immortal soul is a difficult one, but steering away from these items should have been a no-brainer.
1. An iPhone screen, charger, or headphones
Scientists are still perplexed by how quickly it takes for Apple products to degrade. What looks like years of wear can take twenty minutes to develop. There is no need to put one’s soul in an item designed with planned obsolescence in mind.
2. A cup or mug
That’s right, Mr. Voldemort, you made a grave mistake. Fragile cups and mugs (or beakers, as they are supposedly called in Britain) are an all-around bad choice. All dark wizards are recommended to continue using their Disney princess and novelty sculpted animal mugs for their proper purposes of hot cocoa consumption and on-the-go potion mixing.
3. Girl Scout cookies
One person can demolish a box of Thin Mints or Samoas in under thirty minutes. The world record is probably around five minutes. It is recommended that dark wizards only figuratively put their souls into supporting the local Girl Scout troop.
4. Stickers
Any dark wizard reading this is probably thinking, “Oh man, no one has ever seen my Lisa Frank sticker book, and even if somebody found it, no one can ever decide where to put the stickers, so I’m home free.” Wrong. Everybody knows that everybody else has a secret sticker stash and those neon dolphins and radical aliens are going straight on the enemy’s laptop.
5. Poster
Sure that Evanescence poster may seem to be the perfect portrait of your current inner turmoil, but in just a few years you will be different. Hello, anyone who uses a poster as a horcrux will look like everybody’s fool, missing part of their immortal soul. They may never feel like they are good enough ever again. To say they’d be haunted by such a decision would be an understatement.
6. Christmas lights
Christmas or fairy lights may seem like a good choice for a wizard who wants to show off the light in their souls, but it is wholly not recommended. Sudden power surges can make the lightbulbs pop, and the wires always seem to be tangled. Bad choice.
7. Decorative porcelain figure
Everybody knows that just one look into the poorly painted, cutesy-wootsy face of a decorative figurine can cause the average person enough rage to punch it to dust on the spot. Housing one’s soul in a Hummel figure or perhaps a vintage 1982 figurine of Garfield dressed as a rabbit with a small plaque underneath reading “Here comes kitty cotton tail” is simply impudent. Your blotchy dimples and prized space in grandma’s hutch will not save you, Garfield.
