As everyone knows, Santa Claus is a bit of a creep. He watches when you’re sleeping, he’s amassed an army of undocumented child slaves to make his merchandise, and to top it all off, he’s got this whole Orwellian Big Brother thing going on in terms of global surveillance.

So I present you with a list of Six Great Ways to Bring Down Santa Claus.

1. Class Action Lawsuit

All us Gentiles have been at the mercy of this fat fuck for far too long. It’s time we band together and put him behind bars. His reign of terror can be quelled if we only demand that the courts hold this creepy old white dude responsible for years of stalking, extortion, bribery, and making out with our moms.

2. Systematic Destruction

It’s simple, really. We get a few of us to work in Santa’s sweatshop and from there, learn his secrets, see what can destroy him. Maybe he’s been embezzling funds. Maybe his labor standards fall far behind legal limits. Either way, he’s got dirt. We just have to manipulate it to our advantage.

3. Hire a Hitman

Click, click, a .45 caliber bullet pierces the skull of good ole Saint Nick.

4. Hold Him Hostage

While he’s making his annual rounds of burglarizing and breaking and entering, we grab him after trapping him with the carbs and dairy we set out every Christmas Eve.

5. Bribe the Elves

Santa runs a corrupt empire up north. The only reason most of his elvish associates put up with him is the hope that one day he’ll kick the bucket and promote them to Head Elf. They’ll take a reasonable sum of “donations” come next election year to do away with the fat guy.

6. Brainwash Rudolph Into a Sleeper Agent

He’s already an impressionable youth, so this one’ll be relatively easy. We kidnap him, fill his mind full of anti-Santa propaganda, convince him the jolly old slave driver is what he truly is and plant a sequence of phrases to activate him. Watch him as he makes the North Pole as red as his nose.