With the primary elections fast approaching, the time has come to choose who will face off to become the next president of the United States of America. As far as Democratic candidates go, I'm not too concerned with the outcome, since I think we can all agree that Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton seem relatively sane.
But the Republican frontrunner is businessman and sociopath Donald Trump, and the fact that he remains a serious candidate has me worried. So, I thought I would offer registered GOP voters some alternative candidates that would do a lot of good for this country.
Yes, these candidates are all fictional, but in my mind, so is a world in which Donald Trump leads the United States of America. So let's dive right in!
1. Dwight Schrute.
If you've seen even just one episode of "The Office," you know that Dwight would be a worthy opponent to the Trumpster.
He's passionate, driven, and perseveres in the face of adversity. OK, so he'd most likely become a totalitarian dictator regardless of whether he was elected or not, and he'd probably force us as a society to restore feudalism, but he's not sexist or racist like our dear Donald.
Oh no, Dwight Schrute distrusts everyone equally! Just think of the campaign slogan: "Dwight Schrute: Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
2. Liz Lemon.
The unlikely hero of "30 Rock" has the charisma of a Fruit Roll-Up, so you won't have to worry about her hanging around any corrupt or unsavory characters during her presidency. Our national bird would probably be changed to Ronald McDonald, since the woman loves her fast food, and adults would have legal nap time during work hours.
Would she have much to say about foreign policy? Immigration? Education? Certainly not. But I'd rather see her shining face in the Oval Office than Donny-T's, which can only be described as a deflated balloon. Vote Blerg!
3. Cristina Yang.
The cardiovascular super-surgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital. There's no way I'm calling it by one of its other ridiculous names, it'll always be Seattle Grace (sorry Shonda!), one of America's finest. Talented, cold, and sharp as a tack, Cristina could end wars with a single glare.
She's survived a mass shooting, an ectopic pregnancy, a plane crash and a 10-year friendship with human time-bomb Meredith Grey. I think it's safe to say that D-Trizzle wouldn't stand a chance against Dr. Yang.
4. Mindy Lahiri.
Big Daddy Trump may be a businessman, but Mindy Lahiri is a woman of the people. Usually drunk and always ready to shop, this goofy gynecologist of "The Mindy Project" would lead our country into an golden era...or a lot of debt.
She tends to act on impulse and has quite the temper, but I'd take her unpredictable antics over Donald Duck's predictable insanity, wouldn't you?
5. This cartoon carrot with eyes that I found on Google Images.
I trust him more than I've ever trusted a GOP candidate, let alone D-Bag Tramp. Look at those eyes, full of promise and refined opinions on foreign policy. Don't be alarmed by their identical complexions, these are two completely different candidates.
Plus, his hairdo beats Trump's potato salad toupee by a landslide. Please vote, kids.
