As the child, I looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you. I valued your opinion. I needed guidance. But sadly, you were not able to be the role model that I had dreamed of. Instead, you were the parent who would pick me up from school every day heavily intoxicated. I have always dreamed of you being the person who asked how my day was, what my favorite food was or simply the one showed me love. I counted on you, and you let me down. You chose addiction over me.
Learning you were sick was heartbreaking, but also a sense of relief. I had now known that this entire time you haven't been able to fully love and care for me for a reason; but it's no excuse for your addiction. Schizophrenia is severe and has taken a toll on your life, and I'm truly sorry. I used to blame myself for your inattentiveness and carelessness. My mind was filled with so much frustration that while every kid at school's parent was able to help them with their homework, I was stuck teaching myself. Some parents provide a nutritious home-cooked meal every day while I was left eating Burger King for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You and I would fight constantly about your drinking habits, but nothing seemed to come through to you. You said drinking helped you forget about everything in the world, but you forgot me too. I thought I wasn't good enough. I thought everything was my fault. Deep down I knew that you needed me more than I needed you.
Trying to tell your parent they are mentally impaired every time they bring up something bizarre is not what I had planned as a teenager. I have spent years planning conversations about your illness and how it can be treated. I have spent every waking minute praying that you would someday come to know and love Christ, but I don't think you are capable of doing so. Lastly, I have tried my very best to get you mental and physical help, but you have denied every bit of it. You will never know how I've felt all of these years. You will never understand why you and I can't be together like old times. You will never be able love me the way normal parents love their child. I don't blame you for your illness, but I wish you would have accepted it.
I will always yearn for a mother-daughter relationship between us, but I know that this is just not possible. As much as I resent the things you have put me through, I still love you dearly because you are my mother and you have brought me into this world. You have made me stronger. You made me become independent. You provided for me and loved me the best that you could, but it wasn't enough. Letting go of you has hurt me deeply, but holding on to you will only hurt me more.
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." - C.S. Lewis
