OK, I love dogs. Dogs over cats any day (sorry, cat-lovers). There are so many articles out there about why dogs are better than people, and I tend to agree with that. Dogs don't argue with you, they don't care (or even notice) when you have a massive zit on your forehead, and they will love you unconditionally no matter what. But when you really stop and think about it, or people-watch in a park for a day, we do some really weird stuff with our dogs. Some of these, I am 100 percent guilty of doing, and some I find rather disturbing.
1. Talk to them like babies.
OK, yeah. I’ve done this before, probably because dogs and babies both tend to reach this scary level of cuteness where we have an urge to squeeze them and talk in a voice that implies zero intelligence. Why we are so inclined to do that—who knows? But I’d really like to hear what a dog is thinking when we talk like this. What if they think like humans and they just can’t speak? You sound so dumb right now. I bet that’s what they’re thinking.
2. Have a one-sided conversation with them.
"Oh, Jasper. Isn’t that a pretty tree? Look how pretty it is!" I literally heard this in a park the other day. I hate to break it to you, but Jasper doesn’t care about the tree. I know I implied earlier that maybe dogs can think like humans, but let’s be real—that’s probably not true. Jasper doesn’t even know what a necklace is! He knows his name—that’s why he looked at you. But he’s not going to agree that the tree is pretty, or contribute to the conversation in any way. Now he's just confused.
3. Dress them up.
Why? Why do people do this? I admit that I tried to put dress up clothes on my dog when I was a kid. I guess I thought it was funny, and, well, I was a kid. But some grown, mature adults actually dress their dogs in clothes and leave them on all day. That has to be straight torture for a dog. Most humans get uncomfortable in clothes after a certain amount of time, and we don’t even have fur! Imagine how unbearably hot that would get. I’m sweating just thinking about it.
4. Look like them.
This isn’t something that people usually try to do—it just happens. We’ve all seen the woman with fluffy hair who resembles the poodle beside her or the grumpy man who looks like his bulldog. They exist. They’re everywhere. There’s this saying that we’re attracted to people who look like us. Maybe that applies to dogs, too!
5. Refer to themselves as a parent of their dog.
I sure hope you’re not the mother or father of your dog. I sure hope your baby didn’t come out furry with four legs. Although, if you resemble your dog, I guess I shouldn’t make any assumptions.
6. Make out with them.
Kissing a dog on the head is one thing. Letting it lick your entire face and (gag) the inside of your mouth is quite another. Do you know where that mouth has been? Do you know what its tongue has been on? I know people say that dog tongues are cleaner than human tongues, but I find that hard to believe. Have you ever smelled dog breath? It’s not usually minty fresh. Five minutes ago, your dog was probably eating something out of the trashcan or licking its own private area. If you don’t find that downright disgusting, I am legitimately concerned.
I love dogs. But you have to admit they make us a little weird sometimes. On your next day off, go to a local park with some popcorn on a nice day and watch the people with their dogs. That’s some quality entertainment right there.
