With the advent of texting, e-mailing and chatting on various social media sites, phone calls have almost become a thing of the past. However, it's still nice to have your phone ring, or not so nice- depending on who is calling. As soon as you see who is on the other side of the phone call, you take on a particular persona and carry out that conversation.
Friend (1-2 minutes):
Quick, easy, to the point. You start saying slang you have never used before. “Yo, sup” naturally slips out of your mouth without you even realizing. You finalize plans and feel good about yourself that you made a phone call instead of texting all day. End it with a “later dude”, and you’re good to go.
Distant Relative you’re forced to talk to (3-7 minutes):
The drawn out “Heyyyyyy, how are youuuu” takes up most of your conversation. You catch them up on your life: school’s good, family’s good, friends are good. You remind them of what you are studying (for the hundredth time) and tell them the next time you’ll be home to visit. You end this conversation by thanking them, or wishing them a happy ___________. Frankly, whatever you were calling for in the first place. Besides the whole conversation being less than natural, there is an awkward last few seconds where you don’t know if you should say love you or not. So, you normally just put the ball in their court and respond accordingly.
Professional (5-10 minutes):
This is when your groggy voice becomes peppy and upbeat. Your previous mumbles of words become annunciated versions of what you say. All of a sudden phrases like “I am doing rather well” and “I found the presentation regarding fossil fuel emissions rather shallow and pedantic” roll off your tongue. No longer are you questioning to say who or whom; your eighth grade grammar skills kick in, and you’re speaking with eloquence and grace. Your work-brain takes over, and your work-laugh follows suit, along with a few other habits unbeknownst to your nonworking self.
Mom (10–15 minutes):
“Hey mom!” is about the only phrase you can chime in before you find creative new ways to agree throughout the conversation. A combination of “I will”, “Alright”, “I am” and then a steady 50-60 "OK"s follow in suit. After 15 minutes, you can finally throw in the last “OK, lo-, OK, yeah, love, yeah, OK, love you, alright, bye”.
Crush (30 minutes -1 hour):
Your normally sarcastic, dry, tone becomes the voice of a sweet angel lying among the clouds. No longer are you screaming at your barking dog or chowing down on chips; instead, you’re giggling. Even though you have never, ever giggled in your life, all of a sudden you have mastered the mix of sounding innocent and sultry. There is a danger zone in ending this conversation. If you get in the vicious cycle of saying “no, you hang up first” back and forth to each other, the conversation may go on forever (and also completely nauseate everyone around you).
Best Friend (1-8 hours):
These conversations can be over in five minutes, however that would be no fun. You start off with “You will NOT believe what just happened!!” which is your bff’s cue to impatiently ask “what?”. After you go back and forth revealing the latest gossip, drama and funny stories about you tripping in front of an entire group of people, there is a downward slope of conversation with a random bump here and there. The hyper, eager to share voices slowly fade into a slow, relaxed tone. The phone, now on speaker, lies on your chest as you check Facebook and watch a YouTube video, or two. You thought you hung up an hour and a half ago until you sneeze and here “bless you” through the speaker.
