As a person who has listened to J. Cole’s catalog of music from The Come Up (2007) to his latest project, 2014 Forest Hills Drive (2014), I’ve noticed that romantic J. Cole is never the same romantic Jermaine Lamarr Cole from song to song. Not remotely the same. Sometimes he wants you to work with him and take your time (See: Jermaine “Warm Enough” Cole). and other times he wants to take things to such a freaky place that you wonder where your tender Jermaine went (See: Jermaine “Planes” Cole). There is no marker of which Jermaine you will get from track to track, so to help sort things out, I have worked very intensely closely with J. Cole’s camp to create a different Tinder profile for each of J. Cole's romance-oriented projects.
The seven projects on which the six profiles are based are listed as follows: "Wet Dreamz," "Lights Please," "Power Trip," "Dreams," "Planes," "Work Out," and "Warm Enough."
The Tinder profiles consist of each track name (in bold and underlined), followed by a short bio (each in the voice of the different versions of J. Cole as I see them). After each Tinder profile, I will provide “The Line That Defines,” which is the line that defines each of J. Cole’s singles and collaborations. I will also provide “Why to Swipe Right:” the personality detail(s) which would justify swiping right or tapping the heart for this version of J. Cole, because when you’re playing Tinder with J. Cole, you only love him. There are just different reasons to love him. Also, if you are a person who is not romantically attracted to men, you are still obligated to swipe right and only love J. Cole. Put your petty preferences aside, please. Without further adieu, the first iteration of Jermaine Lamarr Cole:
Jermaine “Wet Dreamz” Cole
Bio: "If u lookin for a man to treat u right, I know what Im doin. probably better than ur ex, definitely better than ur next!!! Im very busy on my school and basketball grind. Just made varsity and not lookin back. If we match, why ain’t you gonna message me? I need a woman, no little girls playin games!!!"
The Line That Defines: “But if I told the truth I knew that I’d get played out, son.”
Why to Swipe Right: Jermaine is young and definitely full of himself, but beneath that ego is a pool of insecurity. When you swipe right with Jermaine, he will treat you well, but you are going to have to learn to let him grow and possibly let him go. He has a hustle that cannot be knocked (See: “Knock Tha Hustle Remix”) and is bound for the stars. A relationship with Jermaine, however fleeting, will still warm your heart and make you a better person.
Jermaine “Lights Please” Cole
Bio: "Bad chicks only, first and foremost. I’m a product of the ‘Ville and proud member of St. John’s Dean’s List. If you want to grab coffee, we can connect and spend hours talking about the state of the US economy and the plight of youth in modern America. I’ve been told I have a way with words, but I feel like nobody really wants to hear me! Don’t just message, “Hey.” Bring me something of substance, please. No hook-ups… Okay, some hook-ups. I’m not going to ask for hook-ups though, I just have trouble turning down hook-ups."
The Line That Defines: “I’m findin’ / The more I grow, the more y’all seem to stay the same. / Don’t even know the rules but yet y’all try’na play the game.”
Why to Swipe Right: Jermaine has so much passion and a vision for many of America’s problems (historical, racial, and otherwise). You will grow with Jermaine, and even if things do not work out, you will walk away from the relationship a more complete and knowledgeable person. This is such a good Jermaine, you all owe it to yourself to date this Jermaine.
Jermaine “Power Trip”/“Dreams” Cole
Bio: "Just coming out of a pretty serious relationship, it’s pretty complicated. I just need something to take my mind off of this girl. I think she feels me, but I don’t know. Whatever. Looking for something serious, so please don’t play with my heart or ignore me. Love staying up late and talking, listening to music. I cuddle pretty well and I’m friends with Miguel. Occasionally we go out to the woods and dig holes and then play hide and seek which Miguel is really good at."
The Line that Defines: "Ay, tell me is it stalking if I follow her like all the way home without her knowing?"
NOTE: “Power Trip” is a continuation of the story line in “Dreams.” I did not arbitrarily throw two songs together. I promise this was all very well thought out and definitely not the product of a whimsical impulse to say a lot of things about J. Cole.
Why to Swipe Right: When I said you can only love Jermaine, I lied a very big lie. You swipe left on this Jermaine 10/10 times. That is a rate of 100%. You cannot take chances getting into this kind of moral and legal compromise, especially if you are Miguel.
Jermaine “Planes” Cole
Bio: "Ayyyy (; Hook-ups only. Give me the chance and I will show you things about yourself you probably didn’t know. Serious inquiries only. Also looking for those who are not particularly attached to furniture or upholstery. I have had occasional problems handling couches in the past."
The Line that Defines: "And y'ain't babysitting, but my kids all on yo' couch"
Why to Swipe Right: Whenever you feel like you want someone to take things way too fast, Jermaine is your man. There are so many dirty lines in this song and he has a way of phrasing the cleanest words in the most lewd manner that it warps your conception of innocence. I know this all sounds like an experience you do not want to endure, but so does skydiving, at first.
Jermaine “Work Out” Cole
Bio: "Just in town for the night! Looking for a lady to treat me right! I super love sampling Kanye and making hit singles out of the outros of hit singles. Get that man you deserve, ladies!"
The Line that Defines: “We got a good thing, don’t know if I’mma see you again.”
Why to Swipe Right: Jermaine can't really dance, but he will definitely be the life of the kickbacks you attend for the one night that you guys hang out. He will never call you again, but sometimes, all you can ask for is a good time and some closure.
Jermaine “Warm Enough” Cole
Bio: "I have made mistakes, but everybody has a past. If you have trust issues, I understand. I will wait for my flower. I want to be a part of you learning what you don’t know about yourself."
NOTE: Yes, this is half a verse, not just a line. Sue me. It’s beautiful.
Why to Swipe Right: This is the best Jermaine Lamarr Cole. His self-consciousness which existed as subtext in “Wet Dreamz” has evaporated, risen to the sky, and fallen back as the rain of Spring which gives life to his flower: self-awareness. This self-awareness is the backbone of the tender loving support you will receive from Jermaine. This is the Jermaine you marry. The Jermaine with whom you will make a life, raise 2-5 adopted children, struggle to make ends meet until you get that promotion, then retire comfortably with your pension. This is the Jermaine who is not perfect, and the Jermaine who knows he is not perfect. But to you, his only flaw is that he is too hard on himself.
