Being adopted has been one of the best things to happen in my life. It has given me a chance at a better life and a family that can love and care for me. I am very thankful for my life, but there are some things that come with adoption that can be a burden. Since I was two and a half and fresh off the plane from Vietnam, my parents and I have gotten many remarks (many times inappropriate ones) about my adoption. Although I know they mean well and are just curious, these questions or comments can just be plain ignorant. Here’s a list of things not say to an adoptee.
1. “What’s it like being adopted?”
I think this question just comes out like word vomit and they don’t fully realize what they’re saying. This is like asking, “What does it feel like to be Asian?” Or “What does it feel like to be a 21 year old?” And the answer is, it feels great. Thanks for asking.
2. “Where are your real parents?”
This is a good question from a close friend or someone you feel comfortable sharing your story with, but I’ve gotten this from many more strangers than friends. Many adopted people’s parents are dead or have a serious problem in their life, not letting them take care of their child. Bringing up someone’s birthparents can be slightly traumatic and you probably shouldn’t, unless they bring it up first. Also the people who raised me are my “real” parents.
3. “Why were you adopted?”
When people ask this they are probably expecting a warm, fuzzy story, much like in "Annie" when the cute, little orphan finds a home with Daddy Warbucks. But saying “I was adopted because my birthparents couldn’t afford to feed me so I lived in an orphanage until my information was sent out to a family,” is much more realistic.
4. “You don’t look like your parents.”
This is a more accurate comment for interracial families. Adopted kids can be especially sensitive since we don’t look like our own families and it confuses our sense of identity even more. Even though we clearly know we don’t look like our parents, being reminded of that can be hurtful.
5. “You should feel very lucky.”
I’ve gotten this from many adults and although they don’t realize it, this saying is more of a threat. It’s saying that you are always in debt to your parents and you can’t get mad at them like normal kids because they saved your life. No child should have to feel this way.
6. “How much did you cost?”
“I don’t know, but they got a pretty good bargain at Costco,” would be the ideal answer to that question, but I usually just do a nervous laugh and hope the subject changes soon. It should be obvious why you should never ask this question, but if you are really curious, you can just Google it.
