Oh heartbreak, my old friend. I thought I was finally done with you, but here we are. We’re like those two friends who always hang out but secretly hate each other… Frenemies, we’re frenemies. Every time I say I’m done with you, you somehow manage to weasel back into my life and we go shopping or something. Except there’s no shopping, you actually just ruin my life. Okay, maybe nothing like frenemies… whatever.
Everyone knows that heartbreak sucks, and if you don’t know, I hate you. Along with everyone else in the world who has spent multiple nights eating an obnoxious amount of Ben and Jerry’s while crying like Kim Kardashian.
I’m not sure if there’s really six stages to heartbreak, but for me, I went through these so maybe you can relate. If not, awkward.
1. Holy-crap-my-life-is-over-what-do-I-do-without-you-someone-please-help-I-think-I’m-dying stage
Ahhh, this is that pure misery you feel right after the break-up takes place. You know the feeling. The one where you’re crying uncontrollably while screaming to Taylor Swift thinking, “God, Taylor was right. I should’ve run as fast as I could from this guy. He totally IS trouble. Ugh.” You then proceed to call your mom and all your friends and hate life for a hot minute. It’s fineeeeeee.
2.The “I don’t know, I’m just kind of numb” stage
You know the stage. Your friends ask how you’re doing and you’re not exactly terrible, but you’re not great. You’re honestly kind of nothing – you’re numb. You don’t want to talk to other guys (or girls – guys, I see you). Going on a date sounds as fun as recreating the horrific scene from 127 Hours. You don’t really want to hang out with anyone because you’re depressed and unmotivated to do literally anything (that includes shower sometimes, no judgement). You’re just numb, I get it, trust me.
3. "Screw the world I'm going to go absolutely crazy because why not, am I right?!" Stage (She would soon find that she was NOT right)
Who doesn’t want to go out on a Monday night? That’s TOTALLY a good idea! Tuesday too? You go, girl. Yeah, Wednesday? Of course. Let’s just go ahead and add Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to the mix as well! You do you. Screw that boy. You went on three dates this week? That’ll show him. You’re snapchatting 7 guys at one time? Slay girl, you’re killing it.
Yes, this stage is exhausting and so unfulfilling. I get why you’re going through it. You want to feel good about yourself and for some unknown reason most girls think that this will help. Maybe it does for some. Kudos to you guys. For me, it was more exhausting than running a marathon. Have I ever ran a marathon? Hahahah haha hahhha hahahah. But you get the idea.
4. Cue "You're Such A" by Hailee Steinfeld because you're not sad, you're pissed - Stage
You were sad for a good amount of time. Maybe you’re still even a bit sad, but the anger you’ve got going on right now trumps that sadness. You’re great so screw that guy (or girl!!!), curse his name, pull a Taylor Swift and write a song about him (it helps, not that I’ve done that or anything….), drive around town and scream Best I Never Heard by good ole Queen B. You’re pissed and it’s about damn time.
5. "I'm okay... I still miss him, but I'm okay" Stage
You’re not over it. No one expects you to be either. But you can listen to those sad love songs on the radio without having an absolute meltdown. You can watch that old TV show that you two used to watch together without getting a pit in your stomach. Sure you still feel a sting when you hear his, or her, name, but it’s nothing compared to the pain it used to cause you. You go out occasionally with your friends and don’t have an absolutely miserable time. You even bust out some of your rad dance moves every once in a while. You’re not completely over it, but you’re not drowning under it either.
6. I'm happy, I'm okay, I'm myself again Stage
It’s been a long road, ladies and gents, but we made it. Started from the bottom now we’re here, am I right? Was that lame? Ugh whatever. Anyway, you conquered the heartbreak. Do you still think about them sometimes? Yeah, that’s inevitable. If they ever meant anything to you, you’ll still think about them from time to time and that’s okay. As long as you realize you’re better off without them and you do NOT need them. You really never did. Jam sesh to We Are Never Getting Back Together, anyone?
