Don’t get me wrong, I was the biggest Poke-master of them all as a kid. Money? Not a problem, I had assets: 23 karat gold-plated cards from Burger King, a box load of binders filled with rare holographics and my very own Pokedex to whip out at imaginary creatures (millennials like myself were wise to hoard such precious objects in case of a future economic crisis that might hit our generation especially hard). Furthermore, in one of my original comic strips Ash Ketchum’s mom had a secret fiery relationship with Professor Oak, and I knew every word to the smash hits “2 B.A Master” and “Misty’s Song.” If you’re wondering whether or not my parents were concerned the answer is a resounding YES.
Many others must have been as Pokemon-obsessed as I was: within the first 10 days of its launch, Pokemon Go garnered 26 million active users and the phenomenon has generated more than $35 million dollars in revenue to date. Even celebrities are joining the weirdness. Justin Bieber was spotted in a crowd attempting to catch the elusive Gyrados in Central Park; meanwhile, distracted phone-lit zombie gamers were too buried in their screens to even notice Bieber's presence.
Until recently, I was one of the zombies in the night, but I've embraced a more politically correct lifestyle (and as a loyal millennial, what other way is there to live?). A life with more toppings. One with lily pads and roller blades. Zoombini Zoom is the alternative to the fad, the hype, the hysteria.
Here's why it's better:
1. Because screw capitalism.
Pokemon Go is competitive by nature with the notion that we need to race to “catch 'em all." It has created an environment of civil unrest and madness in suburban communities throughout the country. Pokemon trainers rush to level up their character, Pokemon violently battle in gym fights, and people scour the Earth searching for the rarest Pokemon in order to become an "elite" (leaked Niantic emails suggest the rarest Pokemon of them all is the Charizard/Nicolas Cage hybrid, Cageizard).
A fraction of trainers have debilitating issues with the Pokemon Go server and some of us simply don’t live near rare Pokemon to begin with. Certain trainers need to play longer hours only to capture less Pokemon. Trainers frequent "Pokestops" which are largely unregulated entities that have the potential to fuel dangerous groups (ie. Team Rocket) with powerful consumer goods. Pokemon Go will result in widespread inequality and, ultimately, even more widespread violence.
2. You battle bloats, not each other.
The Zoombini story is one of oppression. Zoombini’s were captured and imprisoned by the bandana wearing bloats who promised to help the peaceful ‘binis grow their businesses and improve their quality of life.
The premise of Zoombini Zoom isn’t to capture Zoombini’s for your own personal sake—you’re the revolutionary leader responsible for guiding all 625 away from Zoombini isle and into Zoombiniville, a utopian paradise community.
3. There's pizza involved.
In order to whisk those blue puppies away to Zoombiniville you first need to “Prepare the Perfect Vegan Pizza” and feed it to the stooges. Collect pizza toppings throughout your neighborhood at pizza stops, feed the hungry trolls, and have a pizza paaaartayyy nomomomom.
4. Trapping animals is cruel
Pokemon are contained and isolated inside inhumane Pokecages, while Zoombinis are cage free. They keep each other company inside of your burlap sack and are eventually released into paradise.
5.The Gyradose load screen is the bane of your existence
ZZ isn’t “mainstream” yet, so you won’t have to worry about overwhelmed servers. We’d like to keep it this way, so think carefully before sharing this post!
6.You’ll never have to see a Doduo or a Rattata again
Enough said.
