If you’ve been at all active on social media for the past week or two, then you know there are some unwelcome visitors looming around America: clowns. What seemed to have started off as an innocent prank has now become a semi-legitimate threat to the security of people. While this will most likely all blow over by the end of October, I wanted to take a few moments to prepare you for the potential onslaught of a clown-themed purge. Below are six of my tips for how to survive the upcoming Clownmageddon. So sit back, relax, and start playing “This is Halloween” on repeat, because it’s time to get SPOOKY.
1. Watch the movie “It”
While the clowns that we are dealing with are probably not supernatural in origin, there’s no harm in cranking up the spookiness factor by preparing to face a demon clown. In the novel they defeat the monster by crushing its heart, apparently. It’s safe to assume that tactic would work on a non-supernatural entity as well, however it should be noted that I DO NOT recommend it.
2. Don’t go out at night
If at all avoidable, don’t walk around outside at night. At night time it’s harder to see, for one thing, but it’s also harder to be seen. If you’re being kidnapped by an evil clown at night, it might go unnoticed. I know on most college campuses walking is the primary mode of transportation for some people so this may be unavoidable, which is why you should…
3. Travel in groups
Just like when facing any threat, there’s strength in numbers. Travelling in a group of people may discourage a clown from attacking you altogether, even at nighttime. And if for whatever reason the clown does attempt to challenge you, you can take him down easily. Don’t be afraid to get back in that clown’s face if you feel you’re in danger, just as I said before don’t rip their heart out.
4. Have some form of defense at the ready
Again, while any interaction with the clowns is unlikely, they are still potentially a threat, and as such they should be treated as one. Whether it’s keeping your keys in between your finger, having mace or pepper spray, or studying some defensive combat, you’ll find that having some form of defense is vital.
5. Follow @ClownWatchUSA or any Twitter reporting Clown Sightings
Word of mouth is important in situations like these. Having a source that updates you on reported clown locations in indispensable. The downfall to this system is that all the reports are from other users, so it’s possible some sightings may be omitted, or others may even be false and were created just to spread terror to residents of the area. Use at your own risk.
6. If you are one of the clowns… just stop, dude
Next to death and taxes, clowns are one of the most legitimate fears that people have. There’s nothing wrong with a little prank, but when people begin to actually fear for their safety because of it, you have to wonder if it’s worth it anymore. The bright side is that the tips offered in this article are ones that can be applied to other situations where threats like these exist, the down side is that we live in a world where we have to be prepared to fight off evil clowns.
