Every time I read an article about long distance relationships, I find myself disappointed and rather frustrated with the unrealistic advice or the sweetened, overly optimistic outlook. I read articles that seem to be describing a flirty first date rather than an awkward (and sometimes boring) FaceTime conversation. These articles are always complimented by cheesy pictures of couples smiling on the phone, or writing epically long love letters to each other. Although these articles and advice blogs would sometimes lift my spirits, they did nothing to make me feel better about the hardships I was facing in my own LDR. Whenever my boyfriend and I tried to do an activity recommended by one of the articles I read, I sadly learned that over three fourths of the ideas were completely unrealistic and a huge waste of time. When you're a full time college student with two jobs and any sort of social life, the time spent talking to your significant other is not only limited, but precious. I quickly realized that these sugar-coated, romanticized versions of long distance relationship survival guides were tunnel-visioned. They simply ignored the ugly, outright crummy aspects of long distance relationships.
I have been in a long distance relationship for a total of over eight months. The next time I will see my boyfriend is in the end of July, which will be six months since the last time we were able to physically be together. We are 5,200 miles apart and from different countries, which makes our scenario extremely difficult, especially with traveling expenses and the stress of applying for visas. It has taken 150% commitment and determination from both of us to make it this far.
The honest truth is that LDRs are HARD for reasons that most people will not tell you. In fact, the word "hard" does not come even close to describing the struggles that LDR couples face...
For example, no one tells you about the nights that you will sit in awkward silence on FaceTime with nothing to talk about, or the nights that one of you will fall asleep while the other is talking, waking up to an empty, glowing screen and a pile of drool on your pillow. Or, better yet, the nights when the wifi connection is so bad that all you can see is a pixelated version of your partner, and you can only understand half of the conversation.
No one tells you about the amount of dedication and time it takes to make your relationship work. If either one of you has any sort of commitment to school or work, making time to talk can be tricky and extremely frustrating. You can't go eat lunch together or do homework and simply enjoy each other's presence. Instead, you have to cut out a chunk of your schedule to actually talk and connect through the only means you have: technology. If you add time zone differences to the equation, get ready for midnight FaceTime dates and 15 minute phone calls at the wee hours of the morning.
No one tells you about the doubts that will stubbornly seep into your mind no matter how much you love and trust your partner. Being apart creates insecurities that can easily fester and consume you, especially if you aren't communicating. This is why communication is KEY! You have one thing you can do on a day-to-day basis: talk. Keep all lines open and express how you're feeling.
No one tells you about the nights you lie awake, lonely, simply wishing they could be sleeping next to you. I have learned that on these especially hard nights, it's okay to cry and just be sad for a while. Once I have these emotions out of my system and I take a hot shower followed by a warm cup of tea, life doesn't seem so bad.Channeling my emotions into an outlet such as writing or cleaning is also a huge help. Figuring out a way to deal with these emotions is crucial to being happy in a LDR.
No one tells you about the shocked looks you will get from people when you tell them you boyfriend or girlfriend is in a different state or country, or that many people will doubt your survival. Rising above other peoples' speculations and ideas of what a relationship "should be" has been a difficult task. I still fail at this sometimes when I look for approval from friends or family, and I don't get the support that I want. I have learned where my true support system is and how to be confident in my own relationship.
By now, I'm sure you're wondering why I am in an LDR if it, well, sucks. You may be wanting to ask, "Is it really worth it?" To me, the answer is without hesitation, "ABSOLUTELY" and here's why: Anything and anyone special is worth fighting for.
LDRs require both participants to be extremely dedicated, secure, trusting, open, and independent. That being said, I wish I could say that everyone in an LDR end up happy and that it is worth it in the end. Sadly, I just can't promise that. Every relationship is different.There is always a possibility that you will discover that you love your partner more than you ever imagined, and that you are willing to fight for your relationship. However, being in a LDR could be the wake-up call you may need to realize that it is time for you to move on or that you and your partner aren't compatible. And that is okay! The point is that although the circumstances aren't ideal in LDRs, it doesn't mean that they are destined for failure.
My experience in a LDR has been an unbelievable challenge, but it has taught me more about myself and my boyfriend than I ever imagined. Together, we quickly learned about the other's insecurities and doubts. We learned how to cope with the distance by communicating our feelings in a healthy, heartfelt way. We have come to understand that there are other, more important aspects to our relationship that isn't sexual or physical. We have learned how to coexist as a couple while also remembering the importance of being independent. But, most importantly, we truly cherish the time we spend together. We know that our time together is fleeting and that the memories we make will be what is left in our minds each time we say goodbye.
The truth is, despite all the hardships, LDRs are special and beautiful in their own way.
