In everyone’s life, there must have been a lot of points where they’ve been betrayed and hurt by people they loved. I’ve been disappointed here and there and I’ve lost a lot of people I cared about. I would be lying if I said I lived my life looking back and not wanting to try to change something. For a long time, I blamed so many people, especially myself, for all the unfortunate things that have happened. Most of us probably hold a lot of grudges against people, I am no different. I spent so much time hating people, but honestly, all the blaming is so pointless. There’s no point in hating that bully in third grade who made fun of my squinty eyes or that ‘mean girl’ in high school who called me names. There’s no point in hating them, because nobody can change what already happened.
A lot of people say be the better person and “Forgive, but don’t forget,” I knew that I should have been a better person -- but I didn’t want to. I liked hating the people I did. I liked the feeling of looking at them and the feeling I got when I boiled with anger. I liked looking in the mirror and telling myself that I was the most undesirable person in the world. I just really loved to hate people because I thought that’s what they deserved. I spent so much time and energy hating everyone that I couldn’t tell who was actually one of the good guys. I had so much negative energy built up inside me which led me into a really dark place and I didn’t know who I could trust. With my poor judgement, I acted out without looking for any of the good guys to help. I was just so mad at everyone (especially myself) that I couldn’t ask for help.
After hitting rock bottom, I realized how blinded I was from all the hate. That’s when I started to let go. I started to let go of every single mean word, every single stink eye -- everything. I started to forgive those people for everything that has happened, even though at times I didn’t want to, I forgave them. I forgave them because holding on to those grudges takes away the control over your happiness and that isn’t fair to me. I forgave them because people make mistakes and they don’t deserve to be held up to that their whole life. I forgave them because I needed to move on. However, the most important person I needed to forgive was myself. Once I did that, I became so so happy. I began to let love in so much easier which let me to love more. I didn’t realize how much time and energy it took to hate myself. I know it’s so hard to forgive and sometimes it’s just a lot easier to hold those grudges, but in the end, the world looks a lot brighter when you let go. And honestly, that’s all this world needs, a light.
