A few days ago, I watched “(500) Days of Summer” for the first time in about four years, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. It was one of those experiences that left me staring blankly at the credits with tears in my eyes. This cynical rom-com that challenges the media’s portrayal of picture-perfect love had slapped me across the face and, honestly, forced me to grow up a little bit.
When I first saw “(500) Days of Summer,” I remember sympathizing with Tom and feeling the pain within his broken heart. I remember chastising Summer for being so awful to him, and breaking him down so horribly. But this time, I realized, Summer really didn’t do anything wrong.
Summer was clear on her intentions from the beginning. She didn’t want a relationship. She didn’t believe in love. She just wanted to be on her own and have fun. But then, Tom walks into her life and believes he can convince her otherwise. If he can sweep her off her feet, she’ll stay. She’ll change her mind about love and relationships, and she will be his happily ever after. But that’s not who she is. Tom projects this fantasy of forever on her, when that’s not the kind of girl she is. He falls in love with the idea of who she is, rather than who she is. It’s curious that he says multiple times throughout the film that he loves her, but he never tells Summer he loves her to her face. And the things he loves about her? All superficial.
Her lips. Her eyes. Her hair. Her heart-shaped birthmark. But what of her personality? Her strengths? Her weaknesses? As viewers, Summer is a complete mystery to us. Like Tom, we only see the sides of her we want to. All else is ignored, even glossed over. To us as an audience, Summer is the image of perfection. Once she breaks up with Tom, she is the image of cruelty and heartbreak.
But the truth is, Summer was completely honest. She told Tom right from the beginning that she didn’t want a relationship. Sure, she slipped up and probably got more involved with him than she should have (she’s human), but she didn’t want a serious relationship, although Tom tried to project that idea onto her. Tom paints her as this person that he wants her to be, when in reality, she will never be that girl.
I really believe this is the problem with young people who claim to have fallen in love. We project our own insecurities and desires onto them, and expect them to be these people they’re just…not. We don’t see them for who they really are, and in turn, we don’t love them for who they really are. We only love the idea of them. And when who they really are doesn’t match up to the idea of who we think they are, we become heartbroken.
We expect others to be this perfect person for us, and we expect them to be everything we need to feel complete. We are bombarded with this idea throughout songs, movies, books and TV. Our culture has raised us to believe that we will never be whole until we find someone else to complete us. But until we wake up and realize that only we can complete ourselves, we will never find true happiness––in a relationship, or in general. So we don’t just want others to be perfect––we need them to be. We expect everyone we have feelings for to be our forever, and to fulfill every expectation, when the reality is that these people are just humans. They’re not perfect. They are not some mystical creature here to make your life perfect.
What we need is to realize that humans are humans are humans. We can’t project perfection or a future or what we’re looking for onto someone. If they happen to possess what we are looking for, great. But if not, we cannot assume that we can change people to fulfill our happily ever after. Don’t be afraid to see the good, the bad and the ugly. It will tell you what you need to know. And most importantly, we need to learn to love ourselves first. Although this is a difficult feat, it can be done. And I promise you, it is so, so worth it.
