If you missed the 2017 Oscars (which you probably did because who has this many hours to waste on listening to people accept awards and thank everyone they've ever met) then here is a fun recap! Here's every thought I had while watching the Oscars, omitting the thoughts about the amazing ice cream I was shoveling into my mouth during the show.
1. Justin Timberlake is opening! Sweeeeet!
2. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Alba are so cute together.
3. Oh geez, here’s Jimmy Kimmel. Hope he doesn’t mess up. On second thought, I hope he does. That would be funny.
4. Why do I think it looks so unnatural that Jimmy Kimmel isn’t holding a microphone? I’m confused.
5. And there’s the political touch for the night. Can we just keep this about movies and entertainment?
6. Awww, Mahershala Ali got his first Oscar! And he's crying. I can't take the adorableness.
7. Does Jimmy Kimmel ever smile? Like, ever?
8. Dwayne Johnson is killing it with this introduction for this Moana performance. Why didn't they just have him host?
9. LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA YASSSS
10. Okay, this girl is gorgeous and her singing is beautiful. How is she only 16? I really need to see Moana.
11. Homegirl definitely just got hit in the head with one of those blue flags. Who's getting fired tonight?
12. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty surprised that Suicide Squad won an award.
13. Vince Vaughn could not possibly look more uncomfortable right now.
14. Yes Viola Davis! Get that Oscar, girl!
15. Oh no. She's crying. And talking about a graveyard. What's happening? Just say thank you and walk off the stage.
16. Okay, I take it back. That was a pretty awesome speech.
17. Am I not cultured enough? Why have I not heard of some of these movies?
18. Thank goodness Piper won the short film award because if not we were going to have some problems.
19. Helllllo, Jamie Dornan. Nice to see you tonight. ;)
20. Okay, so I totally didn't listen when they said who this large group of people that they were surprising by bringing them to the Oscars and I'm really confused now. But I'm loving this guy recording the whole thing on his purple phone.
21. Ryan Gosling is being so sweet talking to these people. This is definitely going to become a meme.
22. Denzel Washington just pronounced these people married. "He's Denzel Washington so it's legal." What is happening here?
23. "We have to show a commercial for shampoo or something now." Great outro, Jimmy.
24. My favorite part of the night is listening to everyone's pretty accents. Is that weird?
25. Of course The Jungle Book wins the award for visual effects. There's literally only one real character in the entire movie!!!
26. Jimmy Kimmel is lifting Sunny Pawar like The Lion King. Sunny is so cute. I am in love.
27. Leslie Mann and John Cho just gave the best presentation of the night. How about we let them host next year?
28. Celebrities reading mean tweets YAAAASSSS
29. Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone are finally on! I've been waiting for this all night!
30. I'm not digging Ryan's ruffles, but Emma's dress is banging.
31. I need a cute reaction shot of Chrissy Teigen while John Legend performs please. I'm here for their love story.
32. Flying dancers, yay!
33. Scarlett Johansson's hair isn't my favorite.
34. I'm going to say what everyone is thinking and say that Jennifer Anniston is a little too old for that dress.
35. Jimmy Kimmel conducting the orchestra to play over Matt Damon speaking is the level of petty I aspire to be.
36. Cookies and doughnuts falling from parachutes? How do I get a ticket to attend this thing next year?37. Leo!!! He looks so dapper!
38. Emma Stone won her first Oscar!!! I can't wait to hear her awkward speech.
39. The best part of Emma's speech was when they cut to Chrissy Teigen leaning her head on John's shoulder and them both smiling. Great speech though, Emma. Really.
40. "Final award of the evening"... 3.5 hours later. Finally.
41. I just instinctively clapped along after that speech. It's getting too late for this. I can't function correctly.
42. HOLD UP. They just gave the best picture award to La La Land, let them give a whole long speech, and then said nevermind there's a mistake because Moonlight actually won? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
43. I really thought that was a Steve Harvey joke. Wow. These award shows really need to get themselves in check.
44. Jimmy's trying to make this not awkward, but it's so awkward. I was so right about him messing this up somehow.
45. It's too late for this.
46. Thank goodness this is over.
47. That was exhausting.
48. Why is there a different awards show every week? How do celebrities keep up with it all?
49. I hated this! I'm never watching it again!
50. ...I can't wait to watch next year.
