This is my last article for Odyssey. During these last few months, I've bogged down your timelines with opinion pieces about keeping Cookie Monster's cousin off our TV screens, listicles ranking the only six people on a moderately-popular dating website, well-written, thought-out think-pieces focusing on the word "elephant", and everything in between. This whole Contributing Editor thing has really been such an incredible experience. I've made some great friends with everyone in the Odyssey Chi community, I've produced some pieces that have quickly become favorites (and some that weren't really all that great), and, most importantly, I've learned every step of the way.

I'm so incredibly thankful for all of the amazing opportunities I've had and the memories I've made since joining Odyssey. Since this is the last time I will ever be writing for Odyssey, I think now would be a great time to drop the whole "satire/parody/what-is-he-even-talking-about" façade and really dive deep into some of those precious moments. Here are fifty of those priceless once-in-a-lifetime experiences I've had, all thanks to this wonderful site called Odyssey.

1. Climbed the exterior of the Eiffel Tower while everyone else just took the elevator

2. Met John Cena at my local Starbucks

3. Was cast as Chewbacca in Star Wars: The Last Jedi

4. Won a free Bloomin’ Onion from Outback Steakhouse

5. Learned how to build a vacuum cleaner

6. Nursed a dying baby puffin back to health

7. Presented (and then won) the award for “Best EDM Duo or Group” at the Grammy’s

8. Contracted the Black Plague, but survived

9. Grew an extra finger

10. Ran the length of the Great Wall of China, but just on a regular treadmill

11. Created a new holiday (National Wash Your Wristwatch Day, October 12th)

12. Invented the game of football

13. Beat Alex Trebek at a game of Wheel of Fortune that was hosted by Steve Harvey

14. Built the Seattle Space Needle

15. Went camping with Bigfoot

16. Spent six whole days inside Chicago's famous Bean with no way out

17. Bought an iPhone 10 and wasn’t disappointed

18. Renamed the state of Tennessee

19. Befriended a wild boar, then ate him

20. Traded places with Nicole Kidman for a day (and no one noticed!)

21. Finished Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild to 100% completion with no cheating

22. Earned a degree in Pineapple Sciences from Arizona State University

23. Studied abroad for a semester in 1862-era London

24. Rode an okapi in the Kentucky Derby

25. Served hors-d'oeuvres at a fundraising event hosted by Paul LePage, the Governor of Maine

26. Gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Stormi Webster after leaving the entire world guessing for nine months

27. Wore some really cool shoes

28. Travelled to Rome, Texas

29. Picked up extreme cross-country cycling as a hobby

30. Spoke French with actual French people in France, even though I have no idea how to speak French

31. Made snickerdoodle cookies with Beyonce and Jay-Z

32. Celebrated the Will and Grace revival with a couple named Will and Grace who had no connection to the show whatsoever

33. Swam across the Strait of Gibraltar with my eyes closed and hands tied

34. Planned an elaborate scheme to steal the Declaration of Independence

35. Stole the Declaration of Independence

36. Got arrested for stealing the Declaration of Independence

37. Broke out of jail after stealing the Declaration of Independence

38. Drew my name from a “Who Gets To Wear The Donut Suit” drawing

39. Ate some Tide Pods (and then died)

40. Visited a sheep farm and shaved some sheeps

41. Sang the national anthem of Zimbabwe at the beginning of a Canadian WWE match

42. Threw up my mac n cheese all over Abraham Lincoln's fancy new suit

43. Carved my name into the side of a regular-looking-but-still-kinda-suspicious rock and threw it into the Pacific Ocean

44. Laughed until I couldn't do basic single-digit addition

45. Golfed all by myself and still lost to a really angry moose somehow

46. Opened up a brand new restaurant called "Brand New Restaurant"

47. Chugged a glass of mayonnaise

48. Showed my goldfish what it really takes to be a diehard frozen yogurt fan

49. Buried my goldfish after it died from too much frozen yogurt

50. Wrote some stuff