This is my last article for Odyssey. During these last few months, I've bogged down your timelines with opinion pieces about keeping Cookie Monster's cousin off our TV screens, listicles ranking the only six people on a moderately-popular dating website, well-written, thought-out think-pieces focusing on the word "elephant", and everything in between. This whole Contributing Editor thing has really been such an incredible experience. I've made some great friends with everyone in the Odyssey Chi community, I've produced some pieces that have quickly become favorites (and some that weren't really all that great), and, most importantly, I've learned every step of the way.
I'm so incredibly thankful for all of the amazing opportunities I've had and the memories I've made since joining Odyssey. Since this is the last time I will ever be writing for Odyssey, I think now would be a great time to drop the whole "satire/parody/what-is-he-even-talking-about" façade and really dive deep into some of those precious moments. Here are fifty of those priceless once-in-a-lifetime experiences I've had, all thanks to this wonderful site called Odyssey.
1. Climbed the exterior of the Eiffel Tower while everyone else just took the elevator
2. Met John Cena at my local Starbucks
3. Was cast as Chewbacca in Star Wars: The Last Jedi
4. Won a free Bloomin’ Onion from Outback Steakhouse
5. Learned how to build a vacuum cleaner
6. Nursed a dying baby puffin back to health
7. Presented (and then won) the award for “Best EDM Duo or Group” at the Grammy’s
8. Contracted the Black Plague, but survived
9. Grew an extra finger
10. Ran the length of the Great Wall of China, but just on a regular treadmill
11. Created a new holiday (National Wash Your Wristwatch Day, October 12th)
12. Invented the game of football
13. Beat Alex Trebek at a game of Wheel of Fortune that was hosted by Steve Harvey
14. Built the Seattle Space Needle
15. Went camping with Bigfoot
16. Spent six whole days inside Chicago's famous Bean with no way out
17. Bought an iPhone 10 and wasn’t disappointed
18. Renamed the state of Tennessee
19. Befriended a wild boar, then ate him
20. Traded places with Nicole Kidman for a day (and no one noticed!)
21. Finished Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild to 100% completion with no cheating
22. Earned a degree in Pineapple Sciences from Arizona State University
23. Studied abroad for a semester in 1862-era London
24. Rode an okapi in the Kentucky Derby
25. Served hors-d'oeuvres at a fundraising event hosted by Paul LePage, the Governor of Maine
26. Gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Stormi Webster after leaving the entire world guessing for nine months
27. Wore some really cool shoes
28. Travelled to Rome, Texas
29. Picked up extreme cross-country cycling as a hobby
30. Spoke French with actual French people in France, even though I have no idea how to speak French
31. Made snickerdoodle cookies with Beyonce and Jay-Z
32. Celebrated the Will and Grace revival with a couple named Will and Grace who had no connection to the show whatsoever
33. Swam across the Strait of Gibraltar with my eyes closed and hands tied
34. Planned an elaborate scheme to steal the Declaration of Independence
35. Stole the Declaration of Independence
36. Got arrested for stealing the Declaration of Independence
37. Broke out of jail after stealing the Declaration of Independence
38. Drew my name from a “Who Gets To Wear The Donut Suit” drawing
39. Ate some Tide Pods (and then died)
40. Visited a sheep farm and shaved some sheeps
41. Sang the national anthem of Zimbabwe at the beginning of a Canadian WWE match
42. Threw up my mac n cheese all over Abraham Lincoln's fancy new suit
43. Carved my name into the side of a regular-looking-but-still-kinda-suspicious rock and threw it into the Pacific Ocean
44. Laughed until I couldn't do basic single-digit addition
45. Golfed all by myself and still lost to a really angry moose somehow
46. Opened up a brand new restaurant called "Brand New Restaurant"
47. Chugged a glass of mayonnaise
48. Showed my goldfish what it really takes to be a diehard frozen yogurt fan
49. Buried my goldfish after it died from too much frozen yogurt
50. Wrote some stuff
