Listen up, you liberal snowflakes. Today is the day I will no longer stand idly by as we slowly but surely eradicate any and all forms of CHRIST from this beloved holiday. Tis the season to be jolly, to be merry, to be spooky, and it’s all because of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Because of Him, I will no longer be saying “Happy Halloween.” I will now be saying “Merry Christmas!”

Enough with all of this totally bogus, politically correct, “I’m too sensitive to hear the Lord’s name through my werewolf ears” bullcrap. Oh, you don’t want to be offended? TOO BAD. I’m going to say what I want, and you can cry all about it right into your Snickers-filled candy bag because I don’t want to wish all those trick-or-treaters a Happy Halloween. I want to wish them a Merry Christmas to remind them of our one true God!

I think the Holy States of America is on its way to Hell in a handbasket. Look at all these children, these Godless children, running around wearing masks and looking like ghouls and goblins and Kardashians and ghosts. It’s insane! It’s macabre! It’s heresy! We need to bring these children back into the Light and the first step is to stop telling everybody “Happy Halloween” just because it’s the “nice thing to do.”

Oh, you celebrate Día de Muertos? Too bad, I celebrate CHRISTMAS. (And don’t you mean “Day of the Dead” anyway?) You celebrate All Souls’ Day? Well I don’t, so Merry Christmas, you heathen! You celebrate All Saint’s Day? Well I guess that’s okay, but then you wouldn’t get mad at me for spreading the love of Christ, now would you?

When one of those demonic children come up to my porch wearing a terrifyingly horrendous costume—something like a sexy nun or a plain red Starbucks holiday cup—I’m not going to give them candy. I’m not going to give anyone candy. Here’s a Bible instead. Read it and you will no longer need sweets to satisfy your blasphemous need to satiate your body with the evil sugar. The Devil created sugar, you know. Lucifer made sugar so that you could eat it and roll around in sloth and envy and forget about Jesus’ sacrifice and mercy and how you’re supposed to be eating His body and blood instead.

Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS. No “Happy Halloween” for you. Now get off my porch and go to church.

I urge EVERYONE to follow my example. We simply MUST bring the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit back into this beloved holiday, and the simplest way to do that is to stop being all decent and open-minded and courteous. We need to start saying “Merry Christmas” again. We must put an end to the PC “Happy Halloween” replacement. And I’ll be doing just that this holiday. Will you?