We gather here today in great tidings. For those who are here for the first time, I'd like to welcome you to the Church of Self-Righteousness. Our institution has been around for a very long time, and unlike those others, we continue to grow every day.

We are a non-denominational group, though our members would likely beg to differ. You see, you can come from any walk of life and still be among our ranks, from young child to graying senior. Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Atheist, Straight, Gay, Black, White...no matter, we have a place for you.

Worshiping with us is a little different from other Churches. You don't need to go to a building or recite a prayer. In all honesty, it's a mindset. For all you beginners, here are a few easy steps:

1. Remember that your interest/belief/problem is the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!

It's way more important than others, so don't even bother looking into them unless you're trying to prove how bad they are or how good yours is.

2. Not just the meaning, but every single aspect should be adhered to.

Every little rule should be followed, and sometimes, more rules needed to be added just to reinforce everything. For all those who don't follow it down to a tee...well, they're likely not a real [insert group here]. Now you yourself don't even need to actually be a part of the issue at hand, but you obviously know more. You do follow all the rules.

3. Never miss an opportunity to talk about it.

It's all that matters anyway. Social Media is, of course, an excellent way to do this, and there are many websites and memes for you to post and re-post from. Don't worry about fact-checking these of course, for they believe what you believe. They have to be right. If anyone else challenges you on the other hand, make sure to work extra hard to investigate. One whiff of possible falsehood and you should come unleashed like a rabid dog off the chain. If you can't find anything, just call it biased. If it doesn't follow your idea, it has to be.

4. Everyone is against you.

Therefore, you must make sure to point this out at every chance you get. Any mistake or discrepancy likely has to do with this fact, and your persecution is absolutely unjust. Even people in your group who don't adhere to your piety are reasons to be offended. Don't forget, even if it seems that you are the aggressor, the other person is likely attacking you somehow.

5. Use this satirical article to prove how bad others are and assert your dominance.

Everyone else is much worse than you.

So, I hope you enjoy your time here...

...unless you leave, however, in which case, your self-righteousness of not being self-righteous is extremely offensive.

Care about someone besides your privileged self for once!

Sheesh...