Over the past weekend I was able to spend some time with my mother. It was a quick visit, not a whole lot of quality bonding time but even the smallest amounts of time with her is well spent. Since I am going to school out of state, I have had to be away from my mom and it has taken a long time for me to be okay with not seeing her everyday. I mean it was only recently that I grew accustomed to not talking with my mother daily and so whenever the opportunity arises for me to be able to breathe the same as her, I jump on the chance. I have always been a “momma’s girl” for as long as I can remember and I feel it in the depths of my being. So each time she and I have to say goodbye, my heart aches a little and tears form in the corners of my eyes. Even if I know I am going to be seeing her in a few weeks, I can’t help but feel a bit of sadness. This last time that we said goodbye, I attempted to take account of every feeling, emotion and thought I experienced as my sister and I drove away and her figure dwindled out of sight.
1. As our last moments together were coming to a close, and the feeling of goodbye began to set in, I thought to myself, I hope she doesn’t start crying this time because then there is no way I won’t be able to cry. Just don’t look at her, maybe you’ll get through this one. I think I see some slight tears in her eyes so I look away.
2. My next thought was a little bit selfish, being about money and all, but I am poor struggling college student who dog walks semi-regularly as a source of income—can you blame me? (And yes, I am aware of how in need of a job I am. It is an ongoing process). Suddenly, the ever-decreasing number in my bank account and the fact that I will have once again pay for my meals popped into my head: Please say you told dad to put money in my account! Please please please! “When do you get paid again? Your bank account is looking low.” I was hoping for a little more sympathy on her end but what can you do?
3. After my brain moves away from money, I think about how my mom and I are always on the same wavelength humor wise. She and I have practically identical senses of humor and so whenever I have to say goodbye to her, I am also saying goodbye to one of the very few people who sees the world the same way in which I do. That always gives a small little tug on the heartstrings.
4. This next feeling is not one I’m too proud of, but for a split second when I think about the ending of a visit from my mother, I feel relief. No longer will I have to answer questions such as "How are classes going? How are your grades? How is your job going? Have you found an apartment yet? When do you have to move out?" on a repeated loop. I love my Mom to death but the pressure I feel to provide an answer to these questions that will please her is extremely stressful.
5. As our fourth and final hug goodbye lingers, I feel sadness begin to grow in the pit of my stomach. It is as if we have gone back to the moment when she dropped me off at college for the first time and that same umbilical cord is being cut yet again. We release our embrace and I force a smile on my face so the tears don't start to form again. As my sister and I get in the car to go, my mom waves to us and mouths another 'I love you' for the road. See you soon, Mom.
