World famous sushi chef, Donald Trump, is now entering the White House 「 ワイト・ハウス」. Boy, he is really getting ready to slice through some PC culture right into that tasty sashimi. With overbearing liberal rhetoric served up nihon style, we'll finally have our social freedoms back. Here's what you can do now that Trump will be president.
1. Wear a Seat Belt In Public Transportation
Ever feel unsafe on public transportation? Cities can be a dangerous place, we all know that, but not until the Trump presidency has it become perfectly normal to BYOB (bring your own belt). Watch this video to see how the Safe Harness can save your life. Everyone who doesn't own this product will eventually die and that is fact.
2. Pet Strangers’ Dogs
Cut the middle man. This is between you and the pooch. We can all trust ourselves to know when a dog wants to be left alone and that’s not very often. With the “swamp” finally “drained” in politics, there will be no questioning your right to say hello to any dog you want. Ask it how it’s day is going, tell it a dark secret, or even unflop its ear from over its head because that looks uncomfortable. The world is now your oyster.
3. Attend Elementary School Plays
Ah, the womb of theatre. With our new President firmly wedged into the Oval Office it will finally be socially acceptable to attend these productions, the first for many future Hollywood and Broadway performers. Watch the understudy of the boy who had to leave because he started crying before the show effortfully expel his monologue. Revel in the tension, the anticipation, as the whole room waits in silence for his teacher to call over his next line. Someone in the audience will turn to you and ask “Which one of those children is yours?” and you will reply “none! I am here to witness the birth of fine art!” They will shed a single tear of admiration. They would applaud you if there weren't stars igniting their celestial fires before the two of you.
4. Pronounce "gif" However You Want You Monster
Cast away the millennia it took for man to develop language. Go on. Do it. Forget completely how the word “Graphics” is pronounced. No, it’s okay, we’ll just call it a “George Interchange Format” or a “Geoffrey Interchange Format.” Go ahead and pronounce it how the creator said it was pronounced, you mindless sheep.
5. Show People Your Rock Collection
Find a group of people you don’t know. Be sure to keep your palm flat and your arm rigid as you push away the face of whatever idiot is talking and end their verbal stream of irrelevant garbage. It is rock time. Quell the anger and confusion of your soon to be friends and admirers by hitting the ground running with the rock with cool blue specks you found in the park. Now that you’ve got their attention it’s time to hit them from the front and the back by slyly presenting a photo of a beautiful stone that was too big to fit correctly in your collector’s briefcase before catching them off-guard with a decadent vial of gold powder suspended in water you ordered online. Finally, as your dazzled audience, panting and teary-eyed, reaches into their bags for something to write you their emails on, you extract not one, but two gleaming reflective chunks you bought in a toy store and allow the invisible hands of science god, Albert Einstein, to force them into rebellion against stony stillness and fly to each other. Your reverent followers/new BFFs, after taking a moment to wipe the drool and tears from their faces, will thank you with super-cool long hugs.
