The idea for this article was hatched mid conversation with one of my closest friends, Joe. He and I were commiserating over the woes of the insanity we experience on a daily basis at the hands of our mothers. Full disclaimer before this list begins; we love our mothers. And furthermore Italians have nothing against non-Italians coming over; there are just strange quirks that we can’t explain. In addition there will be a discussion of the company we keep and women we date. Despite what our family may say, we still are friends with and date whomever we please and our respective families are always accepting.
1. Dining Etiquette
It’s hard to tell your girlfriend to act a certain way when they come over. But it’s also unfair to let them fly blind. However, if you try to explain what random things will set your mother off, then you just appear to be a mad man with a certifiable family. That being said I still try to help when someone is coming over.
One time, my girlfriend attended a big family meal and we made gravy; tomato sauce and pasta for uninitiated. The first rule is, do not put your meat in your plate, under any circumstances, until after the pasta is done. The rule is ludicrous, I know that. And I wish I knew the rationale. Yet, it is a rule all the same. That is not the biggest offense, however. I told my then girlfriend, twirl your pasta. Sounds stupid, but trust me, do it. We sit down to eat and sure enough the spoon is left at the side of the dish and the slurping ensues. Now I gave fair warning, my conscious is clean, I did my due diligence. My mother immediately shot me a look and I put my hands up in the air. You know the gesture, the one that says, “I told her and no one wants to listen to me.” The ultimate irony here is that it wasn’t actually an Italian who called her out on it. My uncle is actually African American. That being said he shows more tell-tale signs of a typical Italian than I do. He just looked at my girlfriend, from across the table, put down his utensils down and asked, “Are you serious?” This was the surefire sign that my brother and I should immediately initiate a conversation of the utmost importance; as if the fate of the world itself was held in the balance and could only be saved by the outcome of this discussion. We had to be completely removed. I know what you are thinking, why does my brother have to be removed from the conversation as well? Simply put, somehow my mother will turn this into a reflection on the women he dates.
2. Your mother is your girlfriend's best friend… until she isn’t.
Nothing sets mothers off more than a quick comment people don’t even think about before it leaves their mouth. This next story is exactly what inspired the article. The sudden change of heart we affectionately known as the “Italian Mother 180.” Suck on that Tony Hawk, your 180 Ollie may be worth 50 points on the PS1, but this is worth years of regret in real life.
My mother loved one of my former girlfriends. When she came over she made sure whatever was being cooked would be to her liking, she wanted to make sure we had her favorite liquor and cakes. Until the day said girlfriend made an egregious error without even knowing it. We were cleaning up from dinner and I was drying the various pots, pans, plates and utensils. I had one plate left to dry. This is when my dearly beloved decides to have a smoke and asked me to join. My mother butts in and says, “Well he’s going to join you as soon as he is finished drying that.” Firstly, I agree with my mother. I might as well complete a task before moving on to something else. But what made this situation way worse was when my girlfriend then asked, “But why can’t he smoke first?” If you are not holding your breathe at this point, then you should be. In that instant, I turned white and realized if I had the choice of doing two tours in Vietnam or facing my mother once our guest left, then I would gleefully accept the former without a second thought. I am including a screenshot of my friend Joe’s reaction just to demonstrate the unarguably fear inducing nature of that one question.
To this day if you ask my mother, she always gives the same answer, “I cannot believe she had the audacity to challenge my authority in my house.”
3. Your mother is obsessed with cleaning.
My mother will never stop cleaning, ever. I am wholeheartedly convinced that when my mother dies she will either be buried with pledge, or we will fill an empty can with her ashes. And her obsession is kicked into high gear when we have company. She may look like she is strung out but she’s actually only craving some more organic cleaner for the windows. This is a drug free house, unless she starts sniffing her cleaning products. In that case we have enough to get a small neighborhood high.
The most iconic move in my mother’s arsenal is the dreaded glove test, which she does not wear a glove for despite what the name implies. She runs her finger along your bureau and asks, “What is this?” There is never anything actually on her finger, but she has to keep up appearances. Would she really be doing her motherly duty if she didn’t arbitrarily find something? Her other favorite past time is rearranging random objects in your room and when confronted about it responds with, “That wasn’t where it goes.” No Mom, that was where it goes. I know because it’s my room and I put it there personally.
Once my brother had a friend stay over. We cleaned the entire house on Sunday. That night he announced his friend would be coming over on Tuesday. Monday morning she re-cleaned the house with special attention to my brother’s room (where they would be staying). At that point she sealed his room and made him sleep on the couch that night to ensure that his friend was welcomed into an air tight room with a controlled climate as if they were a new species that required studying. When his friend never showed, it was obviously my brother's fault...
My mom is obsessed with cleaning…and coupons. So naturally, an online swifter coupon is far too tantalizing to pass up. Even when it comes with a virus because it’s a fake coupon. Even when said virus renders the entire computer unusable in the glory days of family desktops. Even if that means that now no one in the house can use the computer for homework despite high school teachers demanding that all homework be typed.
4. Your mother does not like to use words or at least those of the descriptive variety.
This is a common occurrence. By that I mean sometimes a three times a day occurrence. And it can relate to anything.
My mother is famous for stopping you on your way out of the house. For what reason you might ask yourself. She usually looks at you and says, “You know…” then begins to swirl her finger in ever smaller circles until it is basically convulsing in your general direction. Surprise, I don’t know. So I instinctively look to my father, the resident translator, who says something to the effect of, “Your mother is saying come home at a good time, or don’t come home at all.” Then they both turn back to the television. Thanks.
The following is a completely realistic conversation between my mother and me:
Mom: Can you get me the thing?
Me: What thing?
Mom: It's right there!
OK. I’m in the basement and she is on the second floor. Side note, my mom hates being referred to as she. “The thing” that is “right there” could literally refer to anything. It could be the phone in the kitchen. It could be the vacuum cleaner on the second floor down the hall from where she is. It could be the step stool in the basement. Literally anything. And you have no option but to make an educated guess and hope for the best.
5. She never stops talking. Ever.
My mother talks. A lot. Once I had a date with a former girlfriend. It was near my house so she stopped in to say a “quick” hello. Two hours later, they were still talking, so I changed my clothes and went to a bar with my brother. They really hit it off I suppose. But her love for conversation is far reaching. Trying to leave church on time after mass is a laughable goal. We are lucky if we leave half an hour after the service has ended and my family is consistently the last group of people to leave. Sometimes after the priests.
My father met my grandparents for the first time during the winter. I’m told it was a cold night and therefore called for heavy coats. My mother announced it was time to leave and my father, being the gentleman he is, grabbed her coat and donned his own. It was at this point that his future father-in-law told him to remove his jacket. Curious, he asked why. My grandfather, in his ever eloquent way, responded with, “If you think she is actually going to leave anytime soon, then you barely know her. You are going to overheat in that thing.” He promptly sat back down.
Why bother talking when you have your wife to finish your sentences for you? That is my father’s logic. His famous line is, “You know what you could do?” Except my mother typically is the one to actually tell me what it is that my brother and I can do. She even carries on conversation when she is cleaning. “Can you believe what my mother said today?” And I can’t believe it because she then turns on the vacuum and everything else is lost. When she finally turns it off I just responded with, “I’m so sorry to hear that.”
I may have been a little rough on my mother, albeit honest. She is a darling woman and I adore her. Before publishing, I had her read the entire article and her only response was her classic line, “One day you will get yours.” And she isn’t that tough on everyone. I once dated a girl that came over my house six hours before I got off work just to hang out with my mother. Weird. She is a great lady, and she is always there for us. Even when you need someone to suggest that you tape a picture of your ex-girlfriend to a dart board after she breaks your heart.
