Here are some of the questions you’ve probably told yourself to look up and then forgot about…

1. What is the History of Burgers?

First of all, if we’re talking about burger patties, the earliest accounts date back to early eleventh century, when Genghis Khan’s “army needed food that could be carried on their mounts and eaten easily with one hand while they rode, ground meat was the perfect choice. They would use scrapings of lamb or mutton which were formed into flat patties…When it was time to eat, the meat would be eaten raw, having been tenderized by the saddle and the back of the horse” (History and Legends of Hamburgers). *insert a bad joke about medium-rare burgers*

However, if your definition of a burger is the patty specifically between buns or bread, then the earliest records are from American restaurants in the late-1800s. A popular story says that 15-year-old Charlie Nagreen of Seymour, Wisconsin, “went to the Outagamie County Fair and set up a stand selling meatballs. Business wasn’t good and he quickly realized that it was because meatballs were too difficult to eat while strolling around the fair. In a flash of innovation, he flattened the meatballs, placed them between two slices of bread and called his new creation a hamburger” (History and Legends of Hamburgers).

2. What is the best burger?

In my opinion, there is not a good answer to this question. Unless you live in NY and are able to find Marshall’s best burger from HIMYM, you probably have a running tally of delicious burgers in your area. (Here is a list of best burgers in each state in the US. You’re welcome.) If you’re in Grand Rapids, you can’t go wrong with Brewery Vivant’s burger.

3.What is the Secret Formula for a Krabby Patty?

If you’ve wondered this, you’re not alone. There are many theories on what the secret formula is such as “a pinch of King Neptune’s Poseidon Powder” or even nothing at all, but one of the most convincing arguments is that it is crab meat. Jelly Patties are made out of jellyfish. Weenie Patties are made out of hotdogs. Noodle Patties are made out of noodles. (Encyclopedia SpongeBobia) So logically, Krabby Patties are made out of crab. Plus, another source pointed out a YouTube clip where Mr. Krabs is eating a crabby patty and says, “so that’s what I taste like.” Either way, you can go to Binging with Babish for an excellent recipe. Although he doesn’t think the secret ingredient is crab, you could always add some if you’re a believer like I am.

4.How does Mr. Krabs get the meat for the burger patties?

If you believe that the meat is actually crab, there are some pretty sinister responses to that question. For one thing, the Krusty Krab restaurant is a freaking crab trap. Also, Mr. Krabs seems to be the only crab in Bikini Bottom…so you’re guess is as good as mine. Both options of crab meat or beef imply an intense process of obtaining the meat. Either he is a cannibal and has a community of crabs hidden away. Or, he has an intricate way of getting frozen beef from land. Maybe Sandy is involved? Oh my gosh, my head is starting to spin.

5. How do we get meat for our burgers?

And if you think all that is pretty dark and sinister, our meat industry is even worse. Dr. Robert Trauxe, chief of food-borne and diarrheal diseases branch of the Centers for Disease Control, speculates that, “there are hundreds or even thousands of animals that have contributed to a single hamburger” (PBS). If that doesn’t bother you, PETA talks about several ways in which cows are abused on farms. For example, many cows are subjected to inadequate veterinary care, painful castration, and harsh weather conditions. They also refer to “Ramon Moreno, a longtime slaughterhouse worker, told The Washington Post that he frequently has to cut the legs off completely conscious cows. ‘They blink. They make noises,’ he says. ‘The head moves, the eyes are wide and looking around. … They die piece by piece.’” (Cow Transport and Slaughter).

Okay, so now that you hate me for ruining your childhood while making you hungry and sick at the same time, let me give you some possible course of actions: A) you can pretend you never read this and carry on with your normal life. B) you can become vegetarian, or even vegan, and enjoy veggie burgers (yes, they are still super yummy). Or C) pay attention to where your meat comes from, whether it’s in the grocery store or at a restaurant. (One of the reasons, Brewery Vivant’s burgers are so great is because they come from a local farm that treats them humanely.) Check labels and buy from ethical farms. Consume Carefully.