Everyone seems to be moving to Colorado these days. Whether it be the legalized marijuana that's enticing people to come or the sheer sense of adventure we exude here, I'm annoyed. As are most natives. I'm not saying you shouldn't come; I want everyone to understand and appreciate this great state. But if you're going to come here, please take note of the following things we natives are annoyed by:
1. Out-of-state people driving in the mountains.
News flash: Slamming on your brakes all the way down that curvy road or along every turn on the pass will not only burn out your brakes, leaving you helpless, but also annoy every single person driving behind you. Down-shift your car, let the engine do the work, and steer like you're a race car driver; it's fun and you'll be fine. An inch of snow on the ground here is no different than an inch of snow on the ground of your hometown; pop it in four wheel drive and get to moving.
2. The assumption that everyone smokes weed.
Stop acting like everyone does. Yeah, it's legal. Yeah, it's super neato. And yeah, a bajillion people are moving here for that reason. But there's a lot more to life in Colorado than blazing a doobie on a constant basis. So don't assume everyone does and don't move here for that reason, because Colorado is far better than weed is (and you can get it anywhere, let's be honest). If you want to smoke weed, move back into your mom's basement.
3. Complaints about not having enough air.
Denver isn't called the Mile High City for fun. We are a mile high. Five thousand, two hundred and eighty feet up is where we decided to set up camp. Elevation thins the air. So, yeah, breathing is slightly harder here. I dare you to go on that five-mile jog you do every day back home, out here, without struggling (because you will). But don't you dare come here and then complain about the lack of humidity and how hard it is for you to breathe.
4. How much of a lightweight you will become.
Again, I repeat, we are at an elevated state. The elevation will make alcohol hit you harder than it would anywhere else; your tolerance will be much lower. No, I will not babysit your drunk puking self after I warned you to drink less than you normally would due to reasons you apparently don't understand. You can't drink like the frat star that you are in every other state. I know it's technically not your fault and you can blame the elevation if you want, but in the end you're still the idiot.
5. Your underestimation/ignorance about what a 14er is.
Most of you probably already don't know what I'm talking about. A 14er is a mountain that's 14,000 feet or higher. We hike these things. For fun. At 6:00 a.m. On the weekend. And it takes pretty much all day. Colorado is home to 58 of these majestic mountains, and we're quite fond of them. The hikes required in order to reach their summits range from a couple miles to over 20 and cover different kinds of terrain. A 14er is more than "hiking" that hill you and your friends "climb" to see the city. It's a freakin' blessing of height, minimal air, and accomplishment. Respect it.
Colorado is a unique place, full of unique people who appreciate the thin air, intense height of the world around us, and freedom to take advantage of it all. If you aren't ready to explore these aspects of the state or at least make an attempt to learn how to drive in the mountains, brace yourself for the annoyed natives. While Coloradans may be the nicest, friendliest homies you ever meet, they're not afraid to correct you on things you're wrong about in relation to their home state. We love our state, but we have expectations for the people who inhabit it.
