Having a parent suffer from a terminal illness is something none of us should ever have to experience. However, it is something I know all too well. The first time my mom had that terrible “C” word thrust upon her, I was only nine. Nine years old, and my world was flipped upside down. Nine years old and had a sick mom. Nine years old and had to grow up, fast. From that ripe young age of nine, I knew deep down my mom would miss out on a lot of my big moments. Although that is true, she beat the odds, and she was around for many of my other big moments, and that is something I feel incredibly thankful for. Although we got about eleven more years with my amazing mom, that did not make what we went through any easier. Even though death is something no one likes to think about, it is something all of us will experience at some point in our lives. As terrible and heartbreaking as the past year has been for my family and me, we’ve grown closer, we loved more and, most importantly, we have never let a day go by without thinking or talking about our amazing mom. And even though we see death as this terrible, awful thing, it has taught me a few very important things.
1. We never outgrow the need for our moms.
I can’t even begin to count how many times a day I think about calling my mom to tell her about something that happened. Whether it’s something about school, boys or friends, she was my person. And that ache in my heart I get every time I remember I can’t call her will never go away.
2. Family is so important.
My sisters and my dad have been my saving grace. I’m convinced I would be in a loony bin if it weren’t for them. We’ve always been a close family; when you have a terminally ill mom, all those little fights you have with your siblings and parents just don’t seem to matter much, but after her passing, we’ve done nothing but grown closer, and I couldn’t be more grateful for them.
3. No one really knows what you’re going through, and that’s OK.
There are so many days when I find myself in a “funk." Nothing is going right, and all I want is for my mom to tell me it will all work itself out. These are the days when no one knows how to handle what I’ve gone through. And that’s OK. I wouldn’t wish what my family and I have gone through on my worst enemy. On these hard days, I’ve found it helpful to escape and just let myself be sad or cry for as long as I need. Sometimes that’s minutes, and sometimes that’s hours. And for now, that’s OK.
4. The sad eyes.
Every single person that knows about my mom’s passing gives the same look. The look that says, “Oh you poor thing, you’re probably so lost and alone.” Yeah, I am sad more days than not. Yeah, I miss my mom every day. And yeah, it’s the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. But I don’t need or want those sad eyes. I have a family that loves me and a mom that is now with me more than ever.
5. Realizing how truly amazing my mom was.
I always knew I had an outstanding mom. She would let me play hooky from school and hang out with her. She would make pancakes at midnight just because she was craving them. She would run around the house playing with the grandkids. She would listen to my problems and actually give advice like she was genuinely interested. But, most importantly, she never let a day pass without reminding me how much I am loved. These are the things I’ll hold on to forever. My fun, loving, upbeat and amazing mother.
