Before coming out of the closet to my mother, I had already been out to my close friends for two years. I was used to being called my name and pronouns in private conversations and public outings with friends. Whenever I tried to bring up the notion that I was transgender in the past with my mother, she would always be visibly sickened and refused to even think about it. Ever since I bit the bullet and came out to her, these reactions have faded away; however, the healing process took some time and was definitely not easy. If I could go back and give myself some advice, here are five things that I would say:
1. Weeping is okay!
Don't react with anger or disappointment when she starts crying. Take it like a champ! Even the most accepting of parents will tell you that there were times they cried for their child. Coming out is a grieving process for all parties included and part of grieving is to cry for your loved ones. Although you are the exact same person in your heart and soul, in her mind, she's losing a child.
2. Guilt-tripping is no good.
Guilt-tripping is the exact opposite of what you want to accomplish together. The mission is to get acceptance from both parties. If either person attempts to assert dominance over the other or prove that they are "right," then all hope might as well be lost. All she wants is for you to tell her that it's okay and that she's doing a good job, just like all you want is for her to make an attempt to respect you. If your tactic is to make her feel guilty every time she misgenders or misnames you, then all you're doing is pushing her away. Also, be sure not to let her get away with doing the same.
3. Fighting is pointless.
Trying to start an argument or fight every time there's a slip-up is pointless and to put it bluntly stupid! All fights do is push people away and back them into a corner, and no one likes feeling trapped. If you want the healing process to go by as quickly and smoothly as possible, don't scratch and claw at each other. Keep the peace.
4. Lean on her.
At the end of the day, she's your mother. If something gets you down, tell her. Give her the benefit of the doubt. You never know, she might say or do something that will surprise you in the future. Imagine what it will be like to look back on this as a fully grown adult. In the future, you both will look back and laugh at these memories.
5. Be open.
Secrets make enemies, not friends. No matter the history you can always rely on her. Open up to her and let her open up to you. If she does something wrong, tell her. If she makes a mistake, fix it. Let her know right from wrong. If she scolds you, take it. If she asks an embarrassing question, answer it. Your time of hiding is over, so embrace freedom.
