My mother passed away March 2nd, 2021. She would have been 49 in April. Losing a mom at 20 years old was never something I thought I would have to face. Not having my mother there for my college graduation, my wedding, or for when I have my first child is difficult concept that I have to learn to live with. Although I knew this day would slowly creep up on me, her being sick from the age of 12 up until her very last moments, still did not prepare me for the worst day of my life. After losing my mom I had to face the hardships of life without her which is something that is tough and will always be tough to this day. Not a day goes by where she isn't on my mind. But these last 6 months of life without her have taught me lessons that help me get by every day.
Its ok to be angry.
My mother had been sick for a while and most doctors could not figure out what was wrong at first. It took a couple years and one specific doctor to diagnose her. Just thinking about that makes, me question the medical field and why all these "brilliant doctors" could not figure out what was wrong with my mom. And that maybe if they did figure out the issue earlier, she would still be alive. I was angry at God too. How could he put my mom through this pain and take her away knowing she has 6 children and a husband. It just did not make sense to me. My family are all good people we did not deserve this, and my mother especially did not. But as time went on, I realized anger is a part of the healing process. It helps us feel and get in touch with our emotions and that although you are angry at the moment this anger won't last forever.
Do not fear the idea of asking for help.
I was always one to hide my feelings and not let others see my vulnerable side. I feared people seeing me as weak. But I have come to terms with the fact that people are ok. Having support is going to help you get through it. Whether it is talking to professional support or a close friend or loved one, just having someone to listen and be there for you can help in the slightest of ways. As time goes on, I have become more comfortable talking to people about my feelings because as I have learned from past experiences keeping it all bundled inside will kill you mentally.
Eternity and Memories.
The idea of eternity is a definition of unending time. But all the time in the world cannot heal what is missing in my life. And that is why you take the bad days lightly and greatly appreciate the good days. When I have happy thoughts about my mother, I almost get a butterfly affect in my stomach. I had a dream about her the other night. She looked good. She looked healthy and she had a smile on her face. Oh, how I miss that smile. Cherish the memories you have with your loved one. Looking back, I would do anything to be back in Vegas and her begging me to go on a bike ride through the desert or making me her famous cannoli crepes for me because she thought she was the worlds next greatest baker. I know the pain will never end but I know I have the good memories with me forever. They are like gold hard to come by but once you have it you don't want to give it up for anything and that is how I get by.
You have no say in this life so live it.
My mother did not have a choice whether to be sick or be healthy. It was a challenge god had given her and boy did she accept that challenge. She battled for 8 years and in that 8 years did more things than most can say they will ever do. My mom knew she was sick and chose to make the best of it. As the days started coming close to the end, she knew she had no choice but to live. So I take that as a valuable lesson to live everyday like it's your last, just as my mother did.
Although she is gone, she is with me forever.
My mother may not be here to live this life with me, but she has a part of me that no one could ever have. My mother was my best friend. I called her for everything. I had her hold me while I cried because she was the only one who could ever make me feel whole even when I felt like I was falling apart. My mom might not be here not to hold me when I am sad but I feel her. It's a mother's instinct to care for their children in times of despair and although she is "gone", her presence inside of me tells me she has not left. I find comfort in the fact of knowing that everywhere I go she is with me. She will be with me when I receive my college diploma, get my first real world job, walk down the aisle, she will be with me in that delivery room. She will be there for everything. She lives on through me.
