One thing I learned from being a Bonus Mom and working with bonus moms, is that they are looked over when it comes to some basic needs that they need to be able to accomplish things. Lots of bonus moms are missing a safe place, a break once in a while, and a firm footing to stand on. Friends and family alike, take a few notes.
1. Support her.
Bonus moms know that they can't get any true understanding from others, however, it doesn't mean that you need to make the bonus mom in your life feel even more out of place. On top of trying to find our place in our family, we don't need to feel any worse about ourselves. Whatever we say we need, just try to figure it out, or at least hold our hand through it. Be there for moral support.
2. Just listen and take her side.
Of course this could fall under support. It should go without saying, but we don't have a whole lot of people that listen to us on a daily basis. The rest of the story is nice to know, but if she needs to rant to you, just listen. The Bonus Mom's side isn't always understood, even by a supportive husband. He can still miss some of the emotions she goes through.
3. Remind her to take care of herself.
If she needs therapy, even just to talk, send her. If she needs a family night, remind her to lay down the law. If her husband is more concerned about making everyone else happy, remind her to remind him, "happy wife, happy life." It doesn't mean she's jealous or insecure, but that this position is hard to be in, especially when there's nothing but drama. Some days she will just want to run away. Remind her if she needs to run to Starbucks, she should. Don't ask, just go. Some men forget that because their wife wears a "Super Stepmom" cape that it needs to be taken off every once in a while for laundry day.
4. When her marriage gets hard, offer hope.
Don't get into her head by thinking that her husband is the worst thing in the world if he doesn't always say the right thing or know what the right thing is. Chances are he will hurt her feelings at some point, because he doesn't know what he's doing either. Everything is a learning experience, and as a couple, they will have to figure out what is good for them. When they come back together and make up, she will know that she has you to fall back on when she needs to talk. And husbands, don't be too hard on your wife if she seems to have a hard time adjusting to the role. There are no rule books. All the books in the world couldn't prepare her for this. She loves this life, she loves it with you, she loves your kids, let her find a place.
5. Accept the chaos.
It's annoying and hard to understand. The drama may spark from nothing, but stick around anyways. She wants it to be as peaceful as you do, and she tries to hold back. Let her know you are a safe place and truly be her safe place.
