The holidays bring the promise of a lot of awkward family conversations, but the one thing you can always look forward to is the dinner. We all know you’re family probably made enough food to feed an army and we also know that there’s probably going to be nothing left when you’re finished with it. What a joyous thought. But then there is the daunting task of cleaning off the table.
Have you eaten dinner? Do you have dirty dishes? Are you WAY too lazy to want to put them in the sink? Don’t worry because I’ve got you covered with five solid strategies to avoid cleaning up the mess you’ve made (of your dinner that is):
1. The “Gotta GO”
The age old trick of the bathroom run. “It’s only going to be a minute” – or at least that’s what you tell them. By the time you mosey on out of your tiled fortress your family will have become tired of looking at the dirty plates before them and probably cleaned up at least most of the mess you wanted to avoid. When you return, tell them that they “really didn’t have to do that” and that they “should have left it for you.” Ignore their annoyed stares and muffled comments asking why you were in there for so long – sit back and relax because you’re not washing dishes tonight. Don’t forget to add a comment about how you really shouldn’t have had those string beans “if you know what I mean.”
2. “Smashing the Patriarchy”
If you’re female identifying use it to your favor and serve some feminist realness in the process. If old grandpa Joe just sits back and waits for you to take his plate away when he’s got two functional legs, that he can totally use to walk to the garbage – I mean SERIOUSLY - fire back. “Excuse me, are you insinuating that, because I’m a woman, I have to clean off this table while you lounge around? Don’t you understand that you’re perpetuating a misogynistic agenda? ” Give your family a point-by-point detailing why you are boycotting this oppressive act. If they’re not tired of you and your “millennial rhetoric” (what even is that?) by the end of it then you probably haven’t done this right. Your conservative family will be compelled to clean the table just to get you to stop talking. But don’t stop when the table is cleared – you rant all night because you’re right and they need to be educated (no… seriously they probably do).
3. “Oops I Did It Again”
Nothing is going to piss your mom off during dinner more than you breaking her fine china (well, that and any critique of her cooking). When you drop the first plate, sure, she’ll be understanding. But after the second she’ll be annoyed. And after the third she’s going to be ready to throw the Tupperware of left over mashed potatoes directly into your face because “don’t you understand this is her wedding china?!” Don’t worry, her unconditional love for you won’t fade, but she’s probably going to angrily send you away for the night – just as you planned! Hold your head high as your family looks at you like you’ve got a fuse loose. Because you might seem a little nuts, but you’re not cleaning today.
4. “Abracadabra”
Spice up that boring dinner clean up! Tell your family that you’ve practiced a magic trick. Stand up tall and do some odd, but totally mystical, hand movements over the table of devoured food. When that’s done, proclaim that you’ve made the dirty dishes disappear. You’re family may think you’re joking at first, but stay strong – you let them know that the mess has faded into the ether and that you don’t see it. Whether they think you’ve suffered a mental break or you’re living a food-induced hallucination, they’re probably going to be so embarrassed and confused by the act that they’ll do it for you because you “need some rest and maybe a drink.”
5. The “Trashy Table Technique”
Who needs the leftovers? Or the dirty table cloth? Forget about wasting all of that time cleaning. You pick up that table and you throw that mess away because you don’t need that in your life right now. utensils, plates - ah screw it the whole table too. Get that stuff away from you so you don't have to pack up those leftovers. Your mother will probably thank you for giving her an excuse to get that new mahogany dining room set she’s been looking at for months anyway.
So now that you’re set with some great tips on how to not do anything productive at your holiday dinner you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the day. Or you could, you know, actually clean the table off because really is it that hard? Just help your poor mother - she birthed you for crying out loud!
Happy Holidays!
