Summer is here once again and while everyone wants to talk about their cutesy little swimsuits and relaxing lake days, no one is calling attention to a problem we’re all sure to face. Being out in the sun is not always fun and games. No, you remember that day you lied to yourself and got overconfident in your tanning abilities? Switching that SPF 100 for the SPF 15 didn’t feel like the same good idea the next morning huh? Regardless of how it happens, and unless you’ve been a hermit this summer, we’ve all had a nice little sunburn. Here are the stages in which we all experience this character building event:
1. Temporary Blindness
No, that is absolutely not a sunburn. I mean really, I don’t even burn. Only once or twice have I. Like once a summer I do. And it’s never even really bad. I mean, it was bad that one time. But, that was a fluke. No if I kinda shake my arm a little and squint my eyes at it that burnt flesh just looks pinkish. Nope not red. Red means sunburn. Pink, pink is definitely natural. Totally normal. Not. I repeat. Not a sunburn.
2. Denial To Your Mother
Everyone has that one person in their life that literally lies in wait for them to get their first, or fifth sunburn of the summer. You know what I’m talking about. They ‘innocently’ press their fingers into your searing shoulder, leaving their white prints on your lobster-ish skin, and confirm with satisfaction dripping from their lips, “You have yourself a sunburn." For most of us, our mother is first in line.
3. The Toilet Seat Test
Your sleep the following night is full of tossing and turning for sure. And no, of course it has nothing to do with the heat radiating from your body. Must’ve been that mountain dew you had for lunch. Crazy caffeine. Alright, now you have to pee. No problem, it gives you an excuse to escape those gosh darn suffocating sheets. Pants down. Eyes half closed. Exhale and WHY IS THERE HOT SAUCE ON THIS TOILET SEAT!!!! Yup, that’s it. My family is crazy. I’m 19 for crying out loud why I am still living in a house where people think its funny to put hot sauce on the freaking toilet seat. I’d bet money there’s a hidden camera around here. I better get a cut when we win America’s Funniest Home Video. As an afterthought you completely deny to yourself that those red butt cheeks your sporting around had anything to do with this. (Also, I just realized because men wear swimming trunks they’ve probably never experienced this part… so just use your imagination here I guess.)
4. Last Straw Shower
Next morning. You’re kinda cranky. Caffeine high has worn off and that toilet seat is forever branded on your buttox. Ugh, you’re in need of a nice long hot shower. For sure. That’ll do the trick. Strip the ole clothes off. Do not look in the mirror. Those red lines are not there if you can only keep believing this is the case. Yup, that’s right. That running water sounds fantastic. Looks refreshing. One foot in to test the temperature. Perfect. Yes, heavenly. Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. OH MY GOOD GRAVY!!! Tears, there are lots of tears. Promises are being made. I’d rather be a vampire. If I ever see the sun again it will be too soon. Who even likes to tan? It’s boring as all get out. I will never put myself in this situation again as long as I live. Believe that.
5. Aloe Vera Acceptance
Yeahhhhhhh that’s what I’m talking about. That is the STUFF right there. I mean, heaven in a bottle. Absolutely indisputable. What’s even in here I wonder? Ah, I don’t even care really. Because I’m sunburnt. I’m motha lovin sunburnt.
