Bags are packed.
Textbooks are shoved in closets.
Cries no longer echo in the library.
Finals have ended, and us college students could not be happier.
Every year, millions of students suffer from a terrible case of Final Examengitis. It’s a terrible condition, plaguing its young victims with coffee induced jitters, deteriorating physical appearance, and a psychological tendency to procrastinate. However, the worst symptom by far is the extreme lack of sleep, commonly known as 'all-nighters,' which cause those with Final Examengitis to value finishing school work over the necessary human function of sleep. How do we stop this terrible disease, you ask? The first step is awareness. Here's a little lowdown of what happens in that library from the hours of 10 p.m. to 8 a.m.
First Stage: Denial of Impending Doom
Sally Studious waltzes into the library confidently around 9 p.m. She has a 10-page paper due by 8 a.m. She wholeheartedly believes she can bang this out in no time at all. She even told her roommates to wait for her before watching the next episode of "Black Mirror," because she expects to be done “no later than one.” Two pages per hour? “Psh, child’s play," she thinks as she pulls up her favorite happy-go-lucky Spotify playlist. Oh Sally, you poor idiot.
Second Stage: Panic of Realization
As midnight rolls around and only two and a half pages are done, Sally now realizes the gravity of her situation. She has written everything she knows about the subject, and there are still eight pages to go. She begins to panic, and calculates that at this rate, she won't even be done in time to turn it in. And she will definitely not make it back in time to watch "Black Mirror." Might want to get comfy, Sally.
Third Stage: Emotional Instability
Around 3 a.m., Sally looks at six pages she has done. She begins to laugh. Not a cute, carefree laugh, but one of those laughs that come about to just keep yourself from crying. She begins to think everything is funny. Before she knows it, she herself is the comedian and every thought of hers begins to resemble those of a comedic genius. She breaks open the Snapchat and Facebook and begins to post what she thinks to be the greatest status updates and pictures the world has ever seen. This stage has been a baffling one but many believe the feigned hilarity may be due to the popular mixture of pure exhaustion, caffeinated drinks, and cat videos. Sally begins to think, “Why is no one awake to witness how funny I am right now?” Because they were smarter than you, Sally.
Fourth Stage: Desperation
The sun is beginning to rise, and Sally realizes she only has eight pages done. Out of those eight pages, only four are actually bearable to read. Out of those four, she only really understands one of them. Time is running out, and yet there is still so much work left to do. After a shot of 5 Hour Energy, she opens as many tabs on Google Scholar that her computer will allow and searches for anything else with just a hint of relevance to her topic. Her eyes begin to water as she glues them to her keyboard. Don’t cry Sally, you can do this.
Fifth Stage: Emergence
7:50 a.m. has arrived.
Students are walking about, coffee shops are brewing their morning roasts, and Sally has managed to pull together a full nine pages with one sentence trailing onto a tenth page. She looks at the time, attempts to freshen her breath, and runs to class to turn into her paper. She may look homeless to her fellow classmates, but little do they know that she is a survivor of yet another case of Final Examengitis.
