As a member of Alpha Chi Omega, whose philanthropy is Domestic Violence Awareness, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how people my age view relationships. By listening and observing, I've realized that most young men and women don't know what's okay and what's not okay in a relationship. How do we go from butterflies and the 'honeymoon phase' to situations of physical or emotional abuse? At what point is someone too jealous? Is my boyfriend or girlfriend overly possessive? He said he was sorry and he said it wouldn't happen again but you make excuses and give them second, third and fourth chances, so when is enough, enough? Know the signs, that way you or someone you love can get out of an unhealthy relationship before it's too late.
1. They get mad at you for hanging out with your friends or family too much.
Your family members are the only people who will always have your back. If your significant other doesn’t like them, that’s fine. However, they should in no way encourage you to dislike them as well. Tolerance is key, even if your partner doesn’t like one of your friends, they should still support your relationship with them because it makes you happy. They should make an effort to accept your opinion of someone, and allow you time to spend with those people because you would do the same for them. Your boyfriend or girlfriend shouldn't make you feel bad for spending time with someone other than them.
2. They degrade you for your past mistakes, even though they said they forgave you.
Every relationship will have its problems. However, there comes a point when you either have to let go of the past, or let go of the relationship. It isn’t fair for your partner to bring up every mistake you ever made every time you have an argument. To use your flaws against you is an act of degradation and manipulation. If you have to apologize for the same mistake time and time again, something needs to change. Know your worth and know your limits, you don’t have to accept bad treatment just because you love someone.
3. They don’t trust you.
This in a way relates back to the last one. No one is perfect, but if your partner chooses to look past your mistake, then it isn’t fair for them to continue to burden you with mistrust. You need to demand that your partner either truly move on from the mistake or move on from the relationship. You are who you are and you did what you did, some people can look past it and see the bigger picture, and some people can’t. But you should not have to try and fight for your partner’s trust. If you’re doing things for them in order to win back their trust because they won’t forgive you, you need to move on. I know of people who can't put their phone down for five minutes because their boyfriend will be mad at them. That's a sign of your partner not trusting you. They want to know what you're doing 24/7, just to make sure you're not off cheating or something. It is also important that your partner doesn’t take out their past relationships on you. Just because their ex cheated on them, doesn’t give them the right to treat you as if you cheated. If you aren’t completely over your last relationship, you don’t need to get into a new one.
4. They aren’t the same person when drunk or mad.
At our age, almost everyone drinks. It’s okay to have fun, but if you don’t know your limits and you can’t control yourself, then you don’t need to drink. It isn’t okay for your partner to lash out when drunk, then apologize when sober. No amount of apologies can change who they are. If they did it once, they’ll do it again. If your partner has a temper, they need to figure out how to control it. Part of getting into a relationship is growing and learning. If you figure out that the person you love has a temper that leads to name calling or physical altercations, you need to get out. Someone who has those tendencies doesn’t change overnight, and if you keep waiting to see change, i'm telling you, you probably won’t. If the person is really going to change, it’s going to take losing someone they love to realize that what they’re doing is wrong. This type of partner will try to justify their wrongdoings every. single. time. ‘I was drunk’ ‘You were pissing me off’ ‘You shouldn’t have said that’ etc. There are no good excuses, so don't accept them.
5. You lie to each other.
I’ve been to the point where my relationship had so much tension that we were lying about the smallest things because everything turned into an argument. If you feel scared to tell your partner the truth, then it’s time to talk break-up. A healthy relationship is open and honest. You should be able to say how you feel without being afraid that your partner will ridicule you for being too emotional or crazy. You should be telling each other how you feel, when you feel it. No one likes being lied to and if you have to cover-up everything you’re doing; you’re probably doing something you shouldn’t be. If it's reasonable and your partner doesn’t like it, why are you doing it? Talk about what bothers you, that way you can work through the issue rather than avoiding the conversation by lying.
