For the past five years, I've been celebrating Christmas without my dad here, and let me tell you, I know how hard it is. I know how painful it is to watch other families go and get their Christmas trees or to have those Christmas cards sent to the house. It's just another reminder that he is gone and my family is no longer whole. Here are five reasons why Christmas has sucked ever since he has left.
1. The room is empty.
As I settle down at the dinner table about to say grace, I notice the chair next to Mom is missing. Even with all twenty of my family members around the table, the room still feels completely empty without my father. The kids go around sharing what they are most excited to see underneath the tree on Christmas morning and I find myself feeling guilty knowing I am the only one not excited at all. Christmas dinner is no longer the same without my dad's loud laugh and know-it-all comments that got everyone rallied up.
2. Christmas mornings aren’t as happy as they used to be.
There is nothing I will miss more than waking up to the camera flash in my face, followed by his overload of hugs and kisses. Even if I found it annoying then, I would die to be awoken by that now, one last time. It used to take forever to open the gifts with him stopping every time to pose for a picture, but looking back at them now, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I try to smile through the morning, but I know that tears are about to roll down my face at any second.
3. Traditions aren’t the same.
I go to get the tree and have no motivation to cut it down. My father is no longer there to start the cut and let me have the excitement of cutting down the last of it. Decorating it is the worst part. I hang my specific ornaments up first and then I notice his ornaments are still left in the box, untouched.
As we all start to put the last of his decorations on the tree, I reminisce about the memories of each one, as Mom tells me the story behind each ornament. The cheerfulness of putting up the lights on the house is no longer there and, no matter how hard I try, they will never look the way they did when Dad put them up.
4. He is just not there.
There is nothing I would want more than to celebrate one last Christmas morning with my dad. Not that I wouldn’t kill for him to be there every morning, but Christmas is just another huge reminder that he’s gone. I look over at the coach to hopefully catch a glance of his smile, but I notice just another empty spot in the house.
5. Getting Mom's gift is so much harder than I thought it would be.
No matter how many times I circle the mall, I can never find the perfect gift for my mom. No matter how much money I spend, she will never smile the same way she did when my dad handed over her new favorite piece of jewelry year after year. She tries to act happy on Christmas morning but I know she is hurting just as much as I am. She watches us open all of our gifts with a smile on her face, but I know there is nothing she wants more in this world than the love of her life next to her on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of the year.
No matter what, holidays will never be the same without you, Dad. Just like every milestone in my life from here on out, I’ll always wish you were there.
