5 Reasons Why Cats Are Assholes
Start writing a post

5 Reasons Why Cats Are Assholes

Your cat is better than you, and he knows it.

5 Reasons Why Cats Are Assholes

Even if you don't own a cat yourself, a fact about our furry feline counterparts is universally known: cats are freaking assholes. While this may be due to their biology, or the fact that you just annoy them with your very existence, we love them all the same. For some reason, almost because they're complete assholes to us, it makes the human race love cats even more.

Even I have a cat: a stray I found on my back porch one sunny morning, and somehow convinced my parents that we needed this cat, that she was a sign from God himself. Her name is Athena:

If you're like me, you try to make cats love you, try to make your own cat accept you, but the plain fact is that cats are jerks. And, like me, you'll know cats are jerks by these simple truths:

1. They hear you, they just don't care.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F02%2F6360050652721764951098465847_cat-disinterest-dislike-dismiss-dismissive-do-not-want-not-listening-shade-GIF.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=534&h=dac15e91291f87477a12ec6ad8778b5595c9d5301ace0e3dbd1d49b1dc6383ca&size=980x&c=910315007 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F02%252F6360050652721764951098465847_cat-disinterest-dislike-dismiss-dismissive-do-not-want-not-listening-shade-GIF.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D534%26h%3Ddac15e91291f87477a12ec6ad8778b5595c9d5301ace0e3dbd1d49b1dc6383ca%26size%3D980x%26c%3D910315007%22%7D" expand=1]

I could scream bloody murder and my cat could care less. Call her name countless times? Nothing. Tell her to come here and bask in the love I so graciously provide? Nada. I get nothing more than an ear twitch. Call her name from two rooms away with the word "treats" in the same sentence? She all of the sudden wants to be around me.

Wow, cats. You make so much sense. Screw the love, warm home, and fresh food and water you provide: where the treats at? We, as humans, are glorified treat wenches.

2. They don't like to be touched. Ever. At all.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F02%2F636005071196560769330114197_CAT-GIF-When-your-Cat-does-not-want-to-be-petted-Nope-do-not-touch-me.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=146&h=e362f26d9ffa101bebe9a10ca1b1fa591f8ea39e5adcec0b7bef49159a0b01eb&size=980x&c=2020423386 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F02%252F636005071196560769330114197_CAT-GIF-When-your-Cat-does-not-want-to-be-petted-Nope-do-not-touch-me.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D146%26h%3De362f26d9ffa101bebe9a10ca1b1fa591f8ea39e5adcec0b7bef49159a0b01eb%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2020423386%22%7D" expand=1]

You don't get the right to pet your cat, your cat allows you to pet it. Walking by and want to give your cat an affectionate pat on the head? You're gonna get bit, son. Unless said cat comes to you and demands to be pet, or unless you have treats to trade, you're straight out of luck. You want affection from your cat? Ha, that's a funny joke.

Again, cats, why do you do this? You're so cute and cuddly, yet so full of hatred on the inside. Also, the whole purring-to-straight-up-biting-me thing? That's gotta stop.

3. They creepily (and purposefully) stare at you.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F02%2F636005082279234668314552167_cat-stare-o.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=781&h=c55c2cefbf1866971161f04dbb89c15153ee3e34c322e55899aa4ca6e8a27ed7&size=980x&c=2014500777 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F02%252F636005082279234668314552167_cat-stare-o.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D781%26h%3Dc55c2cefbf1866971161f04dbb89c15153ee3e34c322e55899aa4ca6e8a27ed7%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2014500777%22%7D" expand=1]

Athena will enter the living room, meander her way to the very center of it where she has full view of the family, sit facing us, and just stare at us. She observes us, perhaps to formulate a plan of how to get more treats. She will do this for quite a time: the longest I've noticed is for an hour and a half. Of just staring. What a creep.

It's even scarier at night:

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F02%2F636005083334411780-1155139856_cat-night-vision-gif.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=732&h=6d13c1716bedd60b120186670e23e4600045ecabd014c84f1392ff8ae757e867&size=980x&c=2151596298 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F02%252F636005083334411780-1155139856_cat-night-vision-gif.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D732%26h%3D6d13c1716bedd60b120186670e23e4600045ecabd014c84f1392ff8ae757e867%26size%3D980x%26c%3D2151596298%22%7D" expand=1]

The demons have finally come to claim my soul as their own. Oh, no, wait, that's just my jerk cat scaring the crap out of me at 3 in the morning.

4. They hide and scare the shit out of you later on.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F03%2F6360050919514831761528700992_g8aFUCV.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=380&h=01329c40c7912068059588fb732902d69fdd1463a0ad779ba435d6d22d276199&size=980x&c=1699268051 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F03%252F6360050919514831761528700992_g8aFUCV.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D380%26h%3D01329c40c7912068059588fb732902d69fdd1463a0ad779ba435d6d22d276199%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1699268051%22%7D" expand=1]

Speaking of scaring the crap out of me, my terrorizer of a cat has once hid in my closet without my knowlendge, and when I went to sleep later on that night, I woke up a few hours later to something landing square on my chest, to which my reaction was to throw it (her) off of the bed. She wanted to play, and I wanted to keep being alive. She was not pleased with me.

I think that, somewhere in a cat's brain, they think it's a good idea to force themselves into places where a) they can't get out of or b) they think it's a good place to wait and see what kind of trouble they can cause. They're just trying to be terrible at this point.

5. They make you into a crazy cat lady.

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F03%2F636005093101506831-1895923146_giphy.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=527&h=357afe8be67c2027e28d346bb302da424977e4635edbeface994a7e742d8c91e&size=980x&c=3826306293 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F03%252F636005093101506831-1895923146_giphy.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D527%26h%3D357afe8be67c2027e28d346bb302da424977e4635edbeface994a7e742d8c91e%26size%3D980x%26c%3D3826306293%22%7D" expand=1]

Okay, okay, maybe this one is just me. No matter how much cats ignore me, use me and my opposable thumbs to get treats, stare at me until I have nightmares, or generally be a complete ass to me, they're still one of my favorite animals. Maybe it's because in between all of the stupid stuff they're doing, they also do stuff like this:

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F03%2F6360050966296317621696985389_oIFxiod.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=794&h=948f5018ea250950a523d1d5f06a14c7b5a8a6a4c508bf1b5671dd221b0b6c45&size=980x&c=1918929745 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F03%252F6360050966296317621696985389_oIFxiod.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D794%26h%3D948f5018ea250950a523d1d5f06a14c7b5a8a6a4c508bf1b5671dd221b0b6c45%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1918929745%22%7D" expand=1]

And this:

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F03%2F63600509740331741762551441_giphy.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=854&h=a591db49b129d298cfd7b70aeed7efb734670afd84b53042fe9a1992852ebf38&size=980x&c=779890014 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F03%252F63600509740331741762551441_giphy.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D854%26h%3Da591db49b129d298cfd7b70aeed7efb734670afd84b53042fe9a1992852ebf38%26size%3D980x%26c%3D779890014%22%7D" expand=1]

And don't forget this:

[rebelmouse-proxy-image https://media.rbl.ms/image?u=%2Ffiles%2F2016%2F06%2F03%2F636005098585929150607965942_tumblr_nsxany8AyR1udaoq8o1_400.gif&ho=https%3A%2F%2Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net&s=230&h=a28208475ec39c6d4f877acba37f56f0028cbdb2705b2d3529a89c7af49d0538&size=980x&c=1130438823 crop_info="%7B%22image%22%3A%20%22https%3A//media.rbl.ms/image%3Fu%3D%252Ffiles%252F2016%252F06%252F03%252F636005098585929150607965942_tumblr_nsxany8AyR1udaoq8o1_400.gif%26ho%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Faz616578.vo.msecnd.net%26s%3D230%26h%3Da28208475ec39c6d4f877acba37f56f0028cbdb2705b2d3529a89c7af49d0538%26size%3D980x%26c%3D1130438823%22%7D" expand=1]

that makes it all kind of worthwhile.

It's okay cats, I accept your being assholes and all... You're kind of funny to watch and I get the occasional acknowledgment that you love me too.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

To The Boy Who Changed Me

Just another open letter from a crazy ex-girlfriend.


You’re probably thinking, “oh sh*t, my ex is writing a hate letter and a tell-all about our roller coaster tycoon relationship with terrible fallout.” But if you’re thinking that, oh honey you’re wrong. This isn’t some sappy pity party nonsense and it’s not a trash-my-ex tell all; it’s a journey. And it’s my side of our story to tell…

Keep Reading... Show less

Dear College Students, Are You Undecided?

The Girlfriend's Guide to College

Dear College Students, Are You Undecided?

Up until last week, I always had a major. I was an international business major, finance major, psych major on the pre-medicine track… and now (finally) I am exactly where I should have been when I started college: undecided. I think there is too much pressure as a high school student to have a designated path about what you want to study, be when you 'grow up' and essentially spend the rest of your life doing. As an 18-year-old, I really feel like I tried to pin myself down to a major so that I had a set path to follow and something to look towards. This is probably very conventional and I know tons of people at school who have their minds made up about what they want to study.

Keep Reading... Show less

Life Is Messy

Finding who you are in your 20s

Life Is Messy

I am 25 years old and just now learning who I am. When I separated from my husband I was terrified of what would follow. I did not know who I was outside of a relationship, nor did I know how to be on my own. It was scary, and I was so lost. I spent months discovering who I was, and what I wanted to be. I am still searching as I believe we never truly know who we are even when we "grow up". I came to the realization that I had been hiding a part of myself for my entire life. Coming out was not easy, growing up in the church made it scary, and hard. I was told growing up that being anything but straight was such a sin, and that i would spent my life in hell because of it. I came out to my parents when I was 25 years old. I picked up the phone and called my mom, and uttered the words "I'm queer" through tears. I knew my parents would be supportive, but that didn't make it any easier for me to vulnerable and raw. Since then, I have slowly started being more authentic in who I am, and not hide parts of me just because of people's shitty opinions.

Keep Reading... Show less

Ask Your BFF These 20 Questions To See If They Know You As Well As You THINK That They Do

Ask your best friend these basic questions to see just how well they know you.

Ask Your BFF These 20 Questions To See If They Know You As Well As You THINK That They Do

My best friend has been in my life since we were 3 years old, now that we are adults now, I'd like to ask her these questions to see how well she knows me.

Keep Reading... Show less

Alone At The Met

I survive a day alone in NYC.

Wikimedia Commons

It was six in the evening. I was sitting in the courtyard of a Renaissance-era Italian villa, glancing around at the statues, most notably one of a boy removing a thorn from his foot. Despite the supposedly relaxing setting, I was incredibly anxious. My phone was at less than 5 percent battery, and once it died I would be completely disconnected from my family and peers, alone in one of the largest art museums in the country.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments