It's a real thing. And it's not for no reason. I promise. It's the classic miserable, lip-quivering, Kim Kardashian "ugly cry". Some girls are fortunate enough to skip the ugly cry and go straight into the "I'm a sad puppy and need a cuddle" look. And of those girls, I will be forever jealous. But for those of us who look like a mix between a raccoon and a blowfish when they cry, this is for you.
Mascara lines down to your chin. Tissues stuck to your face. Eyes and cheeks as red and wet as if you just came out of a two-hour Zumba class. Cue -- ugly cry.
1. Classic girl's movie night.
It''s Friday night and you're still stuck doing homework at 7:30. It's that weird time where you can decide to go out and start getting ready, you can stay undecided about going out for another hour and rush to get ready, or you decide to throw in the towel and stay in your pajamas all night. You're bored out of your mind, scrolling on Facebook only to be quickly interrupted.
Cue -- group chat text in all caps.
GUYS I HATE BOYS
I DON'T NEED THEM
I HATE EVERYONE
EXCEPT FOR YOU GUYS
CAN YOU ALL LOVE ME
LETS HANG OUT
You know what this means. You'll order food from your favorite Thai place, change into your fuzzy pants that you only wear to bed, and crack open a bottle of that wine that is too sweet to drink unless you're with all your friends who insist that if you don't drink Pink Moscato out of those cheap matching wine glasses you all bought, you aren't true friends.
You'll toss around ideas for movies, everyone avoids giving in to the classic rom-com because, "We don't need love or boys, horror movies are so much better." Horror movies are too complicated to pick from, though. All the comedies are either too over-watched or just aren't stupid humor movies; which you all have no patience for right now. Dramas are too intense and no one can focus that hard on a complicated movie long enough to enjoy it. So you're at a standstill. Oh, what the heck.
Cue -- sad sappy rom-com that you all could watch 1000 times and still get worked up about it.
The boyfriend in the movie goes to great lengths to show his girlfriend how much he loves her. The movie sets you up to fall in love with them as a couple. They're so perfect. Why can't I have that? I just want someone to cuddle and love me.
Boy proposes. Girl accepts. Boy leaves girl for ten minutes to run to the store. Boy dies. They were so perfect. Cue -- ugly cry.
2. Girl compliments.
You're out at some house somewhere near 38 and Pearl. It was a bit of a hike, but you and your friends are just hype to finally be there. It's been a long week of midterm prep, even though it's only week four (thanks, Drexel). So, you dance your stress away, talk to some new people and prep yourself for a great rest of your night. In the middle of belting the words to Ignition-Remix, you spot a girl looking at you, drink in hand, pointing and talking to her friend. You are a little suspicious, but the Natty Lite is just setting in so you're feeling good. You continue to dance and point to random people while singing along when the girl that was looking at your before approaches you. She grabs you by the shoulder and starts to babble. Hi so I know this is really random and you probably have never seen me before I mean I think we had Econ last term together but I mean it was a 300 person lecture so I don't know if you ever saw me but I saw you and I've wanted to tell you this all last term but you legitimately look like a mix between Hayden Panettiere and Selena Gomez. You're like gorgeous like teach me how.
No one has said this nice of a compliment since you went home from Christmas and your aunt said you were finally starting to "fill out" after 21 years. You look back at her and have no clue what to say. Cue - ugly cry.
3. Boys.
Just kidding. You fixed this causation with a good Girl Night. You don’t cry over boys. Especially, frat boys.
4. Puppies.
Whilst avoiding midterms work and trying to convince yourself to get up and get your hot pocket that was done in the microwave for 5 + minutes, you come across a typical Facebook video. Somewhere between the 1 minute no bake brownie recipes that are basically impossible and the public announcement that the girl you sat next to in 12th grade honors English is getting married.
Caption: OMG SO CUTE I CAN'T featuring a close up on a baby fluffy husky puppy with one eye bright blue and one eye dark brown. So cute.
You click on the video to find that it is just little husky puppies being filmed while tackling each other to the ground and fighting for the momma husky's attention. So many puppies. So many fur balls. So many little legs. So many bright blue eyes with those big puppy smiles that make you melt. The momma starts to clean all her puppies one by one while all the other puppies are just jumping on top of each other and you can't help yourself. They are all just smiling and so happy and so cute. Cue -- ugly cry.
5. Waking up for class.
It's Tuesday morning and it's your first 9 a.m. of the week. Despite your efforts to wake yourself early enough to shower, blow dry your hair, do you makeup, and grab breakfast for class, your sleep self has snoozed all of the alarms you set until you are left with 20 minutes to get yourself to class. Realizing you now have to ditch all your plans to have a "nice morning", you drag yourself out of bed. Your laundry isn't done, but you really just wanna throw on your favorite pair of leggings and sweatshirt and call it a day. You rip apart your laundry bin to find the leggings all the way at the bottom ( you only wore then twice this week, a third time won't be that bad). You slip into them, but while doing your standard shimmy to get them all the way up, you hear that noise.
Your butt that you've worked so hard to shape through the Cosmo Butt Challenge has now betrayed you; ripping your favorite pair of leggings right down the middle down to the right leg. Ruined. So you settle for the other black leggings that fit a little too fight and are a little too see through in the back (who cares at this point?)
And you grab the coffee that you quick threw in the Keurig a couple minutes before you needed to leave. You don't expect it to be as full as it actually is and as you try to run out the door -- bam! Coffee, all over your ugly sweatshirt from that one year you were on the high school soccer team and your less-than-mediocre leggings that you settled for.
You don't care at this point. It'll dry. You're five minutes late for class to begin with and this professor actually takes attendance. You get into the elevator and you check your Facebook in efforts to get the terrible morning you had out of your head. Right when you open the app there a pic of your ex and his new girlfriend (from her profile of course. You deleted him after the breakup. But as for her, you needed to know who she was, remember?)
My world<3 thanks for the necklace, it's so beautiful. Happy 6 months, my prince. That was the necklace he gave you. You gave it back. Cue -- ugly cry.
We all do it. For more reasons than just these five situations (well -- four actually). We've all been there. So, let's just accept that no matter how hard we try, we all have a little ugly crying Kim Kardashian inside us. And flaunt it.
