There’s a culture around siblings that it’s a requirement to abhor each other. Perhaps it’s because I don’t live at home anymore, but I really love my sister. Here are a few reasons she’s the baddest bitch I know.
1. She’s My Partner In Crime
It’s hard for me to imagine not having a fellow inside-joker in the family. Someone to knowingly kick me under the table after our grandfather calls President Obama a racist at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Who’s the racist, grandpa? At times like those, I’m happy my liberal bias skewed her brain towards mine. She’s also responsible for egging me on to do things I probably shouldn’t do. Like breaking the land-speed sledding record… straight into a barbed wire fence. Whether I’m critiquing my great-grandmother for her incorrect assertion that Jimmy Carter was the best president or base-jumping off the Sears Tower, I always look to my sister for her thumbs up.
2. She Calls Me Out On My Shit
While living on my own, I sometimes forget that not everyone’s lives operate the same (or even similarly) to mine. Usually after about a week at home, my sister grows wary of me always reminding her to do her dishes and clean the bathroom. Then she helpfully reminds me, “Not everyone lives the same as you, Jacob." Go S a D! It doesn’t take long for me to realize she’s right. It’s absolutely more helpful if I help her accomplish those cleaning goals, rather than just getting mad at her. S a D? What the hell is up with her language?
3. She’s Got A Filthier Mouth Than I Do
I didn’t really learn how to curse until I got to college and worked my way through the entirety of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. But goddamn, every time I return home, my sister schools me in terms of filth-per-minute (fpm). I’m generally just in awe of how many times she can work the word ‘ass’ into a rant about “some bitch at school.” I do have to admit, however, that the word ‘dick’ should not be used in church. But holy hell was it funny. If God is up there judging, he should be lifting those with the highest fpm’s straight to heaven.
4. When Our Parents Pass Away, She’ll Be Another Person to Assert the Notion That They Were Indeed Alive, and Not Just Ghosts Spending A Lifetime on Their Journey From Purgatory to Heaven
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5. I Trust Her Opinion On Women
Listen up, ladies. If you wanna F J’s D, you best be passing the S’s T. If my sister doesn’t get along with you, it’s going to make me reconsider why I think I like you in the first place. If you don’t get her stamp of approval, she and I will probably plan a prank to humiliate you in public, like covering you in tar and chicken feathers then making you jump on a trampoline while nude spectators all claiming to work for TMZ try and get an exclusive interview with you. But seriously, I have high standards, but my sister has higher standards for me. So don’t be afraid to enter into a relationship with me, because if you earn my sister’s love, you’re worth it.
