Everyone who goes to Kingston-Upon-Thames University spends most of their conversational time screaming about how brilliant Kingston-Upon-Thames is. It’s hard to get a word in edge ways if you’re unfortunate enough to reside in one of the lesser boroughs of London, like Westminster or Camden.

In fact, by the end of your time with a Kingstonian, you’ll probably have phoned your landlord, canceled your contract and bought a houseboat by the river to spend the rest of your days smoking the devil’s cabbage with the swans on the Thames in the half-sunny, half-cloudy, half-rainy days of Kingston-Upon-Thames. Then you will have all of this and more to look forward to:

1. The Unrivaled Club Scene

“Do you want to go to Pryzm?” says everyone all the time, because it’s one of the liveliest, friendliest and cheapest nights out in London. Homegrown DJs spin the wildest sets of original house music from dusk ‘til almost dawn. No matter what the night sells itself as, whether it’s drum and bass, dubstep, or techno, the DJs always end up playing an unheard of plethora of house remixes fresh off Radio 1’s chart list. You can see the shining eyes of the freshers as they jig their way through the mansion-esque glamour of Pryzm’s labyrinthine interior design, Jaeger bomb in hand.

Three years later, as they prepare for their dissertation, you’ll find them grinding to the same house remixes they’ve been listening to every night of their university lives and splurging the last of their government loans through the draining taps of their contactless card in return for yet another twelve Jaeger bombs and a double-vodka & coke. Clubs like #savefabric, Electric Brixton and The Ministry of Sound will look and smell like your grandad’s mouldy socks after you’ve experienced the Taj Mahal that is Pryzm. The non-threatening atmosphere of muscle-bound, v-neck sporting hoofers that are definitely not trying to fuck every woman in sight will make you keep coming back for more.

2. Quirky Cafes and a Unique Town Centre

Ever heard of Starbuck’s? Of course, you have. But I know you haven’t heard of Costa. That there’s an independent coffee shop unique to the borough of Kingston-Upon-Thames, right opposite the small charity shop/furniture store, Wilko. Hip and trendy mustachioed patrons sit and chat Bukowski with lego-hair-cut-out, polka-dot dress sporting Audrey Hepburn’s in the bustling, Oliver Twist style back-alleys that surround the centre. There isn’t another town centre like it, with its Parisian architecture that frames the quaint little John Lewis stores where buskers come from far and wide to appease the local avant-garde community, as they shop for second-hand turtle necks and loafers.

3. A Crystal Clear River for Swimming and Boating

Thomson travel agents haven’t found this spot yet, because if they had it would be in all the travel brochures with labels underneath it saying ‘Ibiza’, ‘Niagra Falls’, or ‘Botswana’. It would become the stock image of all beautiful beaches and watery vistas worldwide because it is more beautiful than them all. In the Autumn, the frogs drift by on fallen brown leaves, slapping up flies with their tongues in the burning orange reflection of dusk that strikes like a fierce match across the mirror-like water. In the Winter, the river freezes and all the town comes to skate in jolly Christmas spirit.

Once spring arrives, the morning deer of Bushy Park come to lap their drinkables by the river-side alongside the students who haven’t slept from the wrongdoings of the previous night’s house party. Then the summer arrives. Diving competitions of the wackiest kind take place from the Kingston-Upon-Thames Bridge and boat-based drag races are in constant movement upon the rivers flow, always met with cheering crowds. Marijuana inhalers can be seen beating their bongos to the sound of migrating geese overhead, all as the sun beats down. Though the sun may try as it might to pinch our sweat from our pores and drive us inside, the crystal-cool smile of the river invites you to play within its soothing current and enjoy a pleasant bathe with the amiable Kingston-Upon-Thames community. All in all, it’s bloody good.

4. Inspiring Art and Sculptures

To the unobservant pilgrim, Kingston-Upon-Thames may appear as simply an abnormally beautiful little town on the edge of smogville (what we Kingstonians disdainfully call London). However, if upon arrival the traveller has an eye trained in keen observance, then they shall receive some special eye treats as they plunder through the age-old avenues.

Mounting the roundabout that joins the famous A204 and the infamous A307, is a sculpture of tear-brimming sculptedness. Like a squandle of ducks swimming around their mother, a mosey of butterflies spiralling a daffodil, or a hail of pigeon dungs forming a ring in falling flight, the paper aeroplanes (which I don’t think are actually made of paper in this case) that swim in circles at the centre of the roundabout that cars constantly swathe never fail to ignite inspiration that lasts about 27 seconds, or less. Another one of the basins of creativity is outside the aforementioned charity shop/furniture store, Wilko.

Afoot the quaint and tiny doors of Wilko is a domino-like assembly of iconic, red British phone boxes that are all falling on top of each other. Each day photographers can be seen snapping delicious pics of the toppled signifiers of English culture. There have even been one or two Playboy shoots snippity-snapped there, much to the displeasure of the old couple who own the Wilko charity shop. The old woman allegedly ran out to try to stop the partial nakedness of the model from happening next to the slanted red pillars of England, but her husband stopped her and pulled her back inside because ‘Jesus doesn’t believe in violence’.

5. Easy Travel In and Out 24 Hours a Day

If for whatever reason you do decide to venture away from the glorious hub of art, creativity, and wealth that thrives within Kingston-Upon-Thames, then doing so is fast and easy. Just snag an Oyster Card from your local corner shop, whack a tenner on it and you’re set for the day! Getting into Waterloo, or Clapham Junction is only a 20-minute journey on the train.

For all you devilish youngsters that enjoy a bit of the old arm-swinging at the clubs in smogville, getting kicked out of the drug-infested hell-pits like XOYO at glob-knows-what-time in the morning won’t be a problem. It’s a quick and painless journey home. Just bring up your Citymapper application on your mobile telephone, type in Kingston-Upon-Thames, then follow the 28-point list of destinations you need to walk and get night-busses to throughout smogville until finally, three-and-a-half hours later, you’re home! It really is that simple.

As an added bonus, by the time you get home and flop on your bed and realise you won’t be able to sleep for at least three days because that guy rammed a finger full of speed onto your gums just before you got shoved out of the club by a steroid-rage driven bouncer, everyone else in the normal realm of life will be getting up too! So you can just get right back out of bed and punch those ‘my life is shit’ thoughts out the window and go down to Costa, where all the other moustachioed brethren of the Kingston-Upon-Thames realm will be hanging out and judging whether or not that boy is a Hoxton hero, skinny fit jeans and dressed in pink.

So, the next time you come down to Kingston-Upon-Thames, come and say hello. Who knows, you might even find me enjoying a marijuana and tearing up amongst the awe-inspiring paper (they’re not really paper I don’t think) airplanes at the well-known roundabout intersection of the A204 and A307.