I am not a pessimistic piece of human garbage who loves to harbor holiday hatred. However, I have found some logical reasons not to be on the fall bandwagon. One could fill a cornucopia with the basic reasons of why fall has lost its genuineness but for me, here are five that stand out more than others.

1. The Weather Can’t Even

I have sandals on as I pass ghost decorations dawning Bears jerseys, the sun is bright and beautiful, the leaves are dead and my armpit stains are almost to my center sideboob. Ahhh autumn, fuck you. When I was a child, fall brought weather that was balanced and bold, like a nice cool Budweiser. Now it’s comparable to a PBR that was never refrigerated.

2. The Spice

I’m over it. I saw a bag of pumpkin spice marshmallows in the same aisle as a candle named “Friendsgiving”. Consumerism is wonderful and all, but fall has really become its gimp over the past few years. If you’ve never had a pumpkin spice latte, you can try one at a Target Starbucks, that way you won’t miss out on the pumpkin spice candles, marshmallows, and granola.

3. The Happy People LOVE Halloween

Every overly optimistic person on your feed has now been freed by the arrival of October. Half of their Facebook consists of skeleton memes and “Halloweentown” gifs. Then there are the posts that describe how the rest of the year they just feel empty. As someone who feels empty year round, I can tell you they are overexaggerating.

4. It’s Dating Season

For some unknown reason, fall has become the season of lovers. Matching costumes, pumpkin patches, and movies all cater to those who have someone. Good for them. Single people are left with pumpkin flavored beers, apple cocktails, and pie. Not to mention that breaking up during this season is horrifying. The days get shorter, Christmas is too close to start a commitment to someone new and Chicago plasters couple-themed ads in every store. So if you’re emotionally fragile in any way, fall will make sure you are broken by December.

5. It’s My Birthday Season

Fall reminds me of how another unsuccessful year has slipped through my aging fingers. I get older, my body aches more and my dreams start to feel like impossibilities. After you turn 21 your birthdays stop being celebrated. Your alcoholic friends take you out, you see people celebrating their 21st birthdays and suddenly mortality hits you like those shots of Jameson you said weren’t working. Then the next day you get a hangover that no amount of ibuprofen can cure.

Fall is not all bad, but I really don’t care for it.