Pokémon Go has been available for a couple weeks now, and it's already brought Nintendo’s market value up approximately $7.5 billion dollars. Parents rejoice as kids who spend too much time on their phones are finally going outside! And all that nasty time outside is spent with our heads buried in our phones because an Eevee is nearby. People are discovering the outdoors, so here’s a comprehensive list of all the wonderful things people have found while playing Pokémon Go!
1. Nature!
Imagine the cool summer breeze and the gentle sunlight you’ve been missing. The creeks are babbling and teeming with the water Pokémon you’ll never find. Now ignore all that petty nature nonsense -- there’s a Weedle nearby. Yes, they’re everywhere and terrible, but you have 45 Weedle candies, and can almost taste the Beedrill that’ll win you the prized gym at the center of town.
2. A dead body!
A woman found an unexpected water-type facing down in the river when out Pokémon hunting. When reached for a comment, the woman told County 10 News, “I woke up this morning, and I wanted to go get a water Pokémon, so I just got up and went for my little walk, a walk to catch Pokémon.” What she caught instead was a man face down in the river near her house, but no foul play was suspected in his death. No word on whether or not she caught any rare Squirtles or Horseas that day.
3. Religion!
All churches are Pokéstops! Every single one, and I’m always running out supplies because cp.78 Pidgies think they’re good enough to break free from my Pokéballs. Although I usually just pull into the church parking lot grab my Pokéballs and move on, maybe one day I’ll realize that, when I was out searching for Pokémon, what I was really searching for… was Jesus.
4. Another dead body!
This time in New Hampshire, Domenick Thambash was catching Pokémon with his buddies when they found a body face down in a brook. In regards to the body, Domenick was quoted as saying, “I think it’s pretty crazy.” We again receive no word on if any Pidgies or Weedles were discovered near or on the body. If there were, I would dare call it “pretty crazy.” Thank you, Domenick.
5. Disappointment or death!
The feeling of defeat when Pokémon Go tricks you into exercising to hatch that 2km egg and it turns into yet another Weedle -- or the disappointment of when you show up to your local Pokéstop for supplies but instead get robbed at gunpoint. Criminals have been luring Pokémon to Pokéstops to also lure children there to burgle them! Is it worth having your life threatened if you have a chance at catching a Snorlax? Yes, it is.
Unrelated, but remember, as Hillary Clinton said recently, “Pokémon Go to the polls!”
