I recently started watching Criminal Minds with one of my suitemates, and my favorite character quickly became Dr. Spencer Reid. He’s brilliant, genuine, and unafraid to be himself, all qualities I find insanely attractive and work to have myself. I also relate to the fact that his character kind of never totally fits in, although his friends and co-workers clearly love him. Anyway, it’s been a rough week, and I’ve watched more episodes of this show that I should have. Dr. Reid got me thinking, and was an unexpected source of comfort amidst the stress and exhaustion. Here are five things he says over the course of the show that really resonate with me, and were good to hear as I struggled this week.
“No music ever impacts us as much as that which we listened to at age 14.” Sound triggers memory, and there’s nothing quite like hearing music from early adolescence to take you right back to the awkward 13-year-old some part of you still is, and always will be. My favorite songs and bands are ones that I discovered in middle and early high school; things I would listen to by myself, or maybe that were recommended to me by a friend. If you’re anything like me (and Dr. Reid), you defined yourself in large part by what and who you listened to at this stage of your life. That means that now, in our early adulthood, that music has shaped who we are. Hearing those songs again can be comforting, but can also throw us face to face with some teenage angst we wish we had forgotten, or never experienced in the first place. Either way, it’s an important part of who we are; it’s important to stay connected to that wannabe-angsty seventh grader experiencing love for the first time and not understanding until years later that that was heartbreak she was feeling when she saw one of her best guy friends holding hands with another girl.
“Have you ever wanted to cry, but no tears came out, so you just stare blankly into space while feeling your heart break into pieces?" Yes. Three days ago, as a matter of fact, I felt exactly like this. Some days, weeks, months, hit hard, and it seems there’s nothing left to do but mourn. Sometimes it’s all so much, tears aren’t even possible. There’s no cathartic release, yet you’re left to feel every piece of yourself as it breaks off. We all experience this, but at least for me it gets pretty isolating. What Reid reminds me of, here, is that this is all a part of being human, and we all experience anguish like this at one point or another. It also reminds me that it’s okay to feel this way; it’s hard to move on and make things better if you haven’t given yourself time to break, and truly experience whatever it is you’ve lost.
“I don’t tell anybody, I thought it was one of those things that you hide and don’t talk about it and you just forget, but I remember like it was yesterday.” Pain leaves a mark that, although it changes over time, never really goes away. But it’s important to not isolate yourself, and not try to pretend the pain isn’t there. Support systems are necessary; build one for yourself, and be a part of one for someone else. It does nobody any good to not talk about and work through the things that go wrong in our lives, big or small. Besides, hiding doesn’t work for long; some way or another the wounds we most want to stay buried come back to the surface. But when they do, because inevitably they will, it’s important to acknowledge what has hurt us in the past, so that we can finally move on, not ignoring the bad stuff, but learning to live with it.
“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.” This is absolutely true. Reid is spot on; despite our best efforts, we never forget what and who has hurt us, and who in turn we have hurt. I know I have plenty of memories I wish I didn’t, but those experiences shaped who I am, and memories of them influence who I’m going to be. It’s important to remember this, and to cut ourselves a break. “Getting over it” doesn’t happen by erasing a part of your past; “getting over it” happens by not letting that past control you, and by letting that past make you a better person. The mind does amazing things to heal and protect itself; for that we should be grateful.
“I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind.” Sadly, I think too many people can relate to this. I know that there are nights when I purposely stay awake until I’m so physically exhausted I fall straight asleep, because I’m afraid of what paths my thoughts will take if I lay in bed and let my mind wander. I’m afraid of what I’ll think, remember, and even dream, so I exhaust and distract myself with homework, making plans, Netflix, social media… It’s all an attempt to distract me from myself. It’s easy to get caught up in yourself and become consumed. But it’s important to trust yourself, and remember that there are others out there who experience the same thing.
Characters like Dr. Reid remind me that I’m not alone in feeling sad, or lonely, or afraid, or nostalgic. He also reminds me that it’s okay, healthy even, to experience these feelings, and experience them fully. What matters is not letting them consume you, but learning and growing as a person.
